if only it were fiction

under the fuzzy blanket

2011-12-23T06:50:00.001-08:00

ive honestly debated on on and off for years about creating a separate, anonymous blog that had a sole purpose of just letting me gripe. it would let me say whatever insensitive, taboo thing that was on my mind instead of letting it pace around in my brain. it may still happen one day soon. if it already existed, what i'm about to say would go there instead. unfortunately, this is where it has to go for now. it's a very negative, scroogey but authentic side of me. i don't normally show it because everyone thinks i'm just "so nice". this is what's under the fuzzy blanket.

more than ever, i think charities are a crock. it especially frustrates me during the christmas season, where everyone is in the giving mood and they get recognized for their donations to this or that.

the angel on my shoulder wants you to know that i do not despise humans that are truly in need. i don't want people to needlessly suffer, and there are a few out there. that being said, i'd wager that 90% of the people benefitting from people's generosity aren't truly in need.

i know lots of people on government assistance. i know lots of people on unemployment. i know lots of people who live in "meager" conditions. and despite all those things i still firmly believe that more than their circumstances, they are in their predicaments because they don't budget their money, they abuse the system, and they spend what they have unwisely.

i can't justify donating food or money to a family with several children who all have cell phones, cable, several gaming systems, and fake fingernails. they are out at the bars on the weekend and chain smoking, eating out at restaurants and letting tons of people crash at their place. they barely work or they are picky about what job they apply for, which gives them a perfect excuse to remain unemployed. they've found some quack doctor to call them handicapped, so they claim disability. these are not parts of a lifestyle i wish to help them out with.

"but they can't pay their electric bill!" then i guess they should have their cable turned off and their cell services backed down. maybe every able-bodied person in the house should get a job.

"but they don't have any food!" that's because they used their money on other things.

"but their income is so low and they have a bunch of people to support!" okay, sometimes this happens. for instance, you get a grandmother who takes in a bunch of grandchildren. that's somebody who needs help, as long as she isn't supplying cell phones to all the kids and has a husband who won't get off his rump to help her.

i love my cell phone, my internet, and my cable. i'd be grumpy without them. but they aren't necessities!

i hear about people who won't have much money to give christmas to their children because funds are low. it's a sad story until you see the enormous television in their living room and 57 dogs and cats that they've decided to parent.

i just feel like paying someone's bill or giving them money just enables them. for the most part, they have bad habits that aren't going to go away just because they get rescued a few times.

i've been dangerously low on funds. you know what i did? i sold a lot of jewelry, electronics, and books. i parted with a lot of things i enjoyed. i got another job. when i didn't have groceries, i stretched what i had. sometimes it was crackers and ketchup.i made it work until the next payday. it was embarassing and difficult, but i survived. i'm fortunate that i have people in my life to help.

there really are people that need help during the holiday season and various times of the year. i helped raise money for a family who lost a child and couldn't pay the funeral expenses. that's need. but did you know that lots of people who get their food from church pantries actually take that food and try to return to places like walmart (that don't require a receipt)? they aren't hungry, they just want cash to use for.....whatever. those are the same people who will ask you to help pay their electric next month.

call me a scrooge, i have big shoulders. i just have no sympathy for people who want other people to foot the bill for their lifestyle. i keep my eyes open for the ones who honestly need assistance, but there really aren't that many.

there isn't an endless supply of roads

2011-07-03T21:16:00.001-07:00

there's a storm of emotion in my brain right now...some confused, some sad, some worried.

i see so many couples and families out there that have what i want. what i want isn't some unfathomable, unreasonable goal, and yet it seems pretty far off to me. i want a marriage with good communication, between two people that make being a healthy family the top priority. i want a marriage where time with our friends is a treat, but not an necessary escape from our spouse every week. i want a marriage where the spouses respect each other, and how other people view us actually matters. i want to be on the same page about parenting, self-improvement, and finances.

it can be done. i know people that have it. i want it so badly i could cry on some days.

there is no map. all the roads i keep trying are dead ends. i'm getting scared that i'm running out of roads.

i have no idea how i got here, only that i didn't do it alone.

NOT a beauty school dropout

2011-06-11T20:03:00.001-07:00

week one of cosmetology school finished!

i'll explain myself in case my choice confuses you. no, i didn't lose interest in the medical field. however, i lost my job from a corporation that owns most things in this area, and i'd never be able to work for them again. so, if i pursued surgical tech, i'd have a very difficult time getting a job. i had to rethink a few things, and cosmetology fit my interest.

i'm having a great time, learning and making new friends-it almost doesn't feel like school! many of the girls that i've talked to tried other careers first, too, and that definitely strengthens my confidence. cosmetology is it's own world...perkier than i'm used to, but it's contagious. community service is actually part of our grade, so that gets me out to all kinds of social events. just yesterday i was working at an event, putting feather extensions in little girls' hair, having a blast, and i've only been doing this a week.

already i have a competition to get ready for, and i'll have several of those throughout my training. i'm not competitive, but i'll try to have fun with it. i'm hoping years of fancy updos will help me out!

in eleven months i'll be done, and then hopefully i can exhale, knowing that i'll have a satisfying career. i don't want to try out anything else, i just want to be settled. not that i ever want to quit learning, but i want to rest in the fact that i've figured out what i want to do.

not the ending you expected? me either

2011-05-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

i wasn't sure i'd ever put this out into the blogosphere. however, if i can publicly chide people for trying to appear different than they are, then i'd be a hypocrite. if you lived near me you'd know about it anyway.

my husband and i have been separated for a couple of months. he lives with his mother and i live with my grandmother. we still love each other, and we talk every day. chandler stays with me, and his father gets him every other weekend.

what happened?

i'm ashamed that we didn't even get to the two year anniversary mark. i promise i hung on as long as i could. i never expected this kind of outcome. both of us made mistakes. both of us quit fighting for our relationship and just kept fighting against each other. i could give you a list of things that finally broke me down and caused the conversation where we decided to live separately...but i'm sure he has his own list of complaints.

we did have some obstacles from the start. both of us had lived single and were into our thirties, and both of us were rather set in our ways. i was raised in a home where the wife catered to the husband, and i tried it for awhile. honestly, when i felt like i wasn't getting the same courtesy, i stopped. ironically, facebook has become a bit of a sore spot for me where our marriage is concerned, and though he knows this, nothing has changed.

add in the stress of a newborn, jobs we didn't like, and ultimately joblessness, and it was a cocktail that was all too hard to swallow. since we look at money differently, we could never come to an agreement on it, though we didn't have much money to decide on anyway.

i tried to be objective, and i knew that if i had a friend in the type of marriage i was in, i would have told her to leave.

i can't predict what's going to happen. there are days i feel like such a failure because i couldn't be the type of wife that just tolerates things. i prayed and cried for months before i finally allowed myself to say what i'd been avoiding for so long. now, he says he wants us all back together. i'm not sure things will be any different than before. there are moments that i see a flicker of what i saw from him at first, but then it's gone. i didn't used to think we rushed into this....but maybe we did. love is blind. i still love him. i still hope that we can be repaired.

i want to feel cherished and appreciated. i want to be recognized as a wife and mother. i want to feel taken care of. i want a husband who respects the sanctity of marriage and how life should change once you're married. i want to be adored, and i haven't for awhile. i know he loves me, but i wish he showed in different ways. part of me is terrified that he is loving me the only way he knows how and ever will. i have to decide if it's enough.

so there you have it....my fairy tale ending that really isn't. i'd like to think it's not the end.

pick me! pick me!!

2011-05-25T19:24:00.000-07:00

some people believe that you grow out of caring what people think. either they're wrong, or i'm not grown up. both could be right ;)

today i ran into a person from my past who is in the majority of all my high school memories. back then, i idolized her. she had the adolescent "it" factor, from the way she looked to her astonishing social circle. popular and attractive, she was "that girl" that everyone immediately adored. and i was lucky enough to be her friend! she shaped my fashion sense and threw parties everyone wanted to be at. she's the reason i fell in love with designer purses and perfume.

our friendship was a little lopsided, but i never minded. she was four years older than me, but she never treated me like a baby. however, i couldn't relate to the life experiences she had because i hadn't reached them yet. she married young, right out of high school, and moved away. we lost touch as she became absorbed in her new life.

looking back, it's embarassing how much i wanted her approval.

today was the first time in years that i had seen her, and she's still "that girl". she's still super-likeable, with a handsome, hardworking husband and good-natured, respectful children. i wasn't jealous, but suddenly i felt like i was back in high school, wanting to feel her acceptance.

i guess there will always be people in our lives who make us revert....

tornado of emotion

2011-05-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

how do natural disasters make you feel?

last night, joplin missouri was hit by a horrible tornado, killing almost one hundred people. houses, businesses, and even the local hospital were damaged and destroyed. cars sit mangled on the side of the road, looking as though they were chewed up by some bloodthirsty beast.

i feel so many things when something like this happens. my heart aches for those victims, now without homes. possessions are gone. pets are gone. loved ones could be missing or part of the fatality list. there is nowhere to go for help, because the phone and power lines are down. others that could help you are in need of help themselves. i can't imagine the helplessness that they must feel.

i bet they never thought it would happen to them. that's a terrifying thought, because in the back of most people's minds (mine included), you don't truly believe it could. for the next few days, people all over the country will be on guard for approaching storms, talking about exit strategies with their families, perhaps upgrading their insurance. in a few weeks, this storm won't have this same affect.

these disasters remind me of how fragile life is, and how little material stuff matters. last night as i lay in bed, knowing my son was sleeping on the other end of the house, i wondered exactly how long it would take to get to him if i had to. five seconds was too long, in my opinion.

it doesn't match the intensity of the victim's emotions, but this tragedy makes me feel helpless as well. short of building a bomb shelter underground, you can't fix a tornado, and even that isn't foolproof. a tornado, to quote "twister", literally is like the "finger of god"-and it's one of his creations that proves we are nothing.

you don't get do-overs, but if i did.....

2011-05-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

i should have posted this when you couldn't turn your head without hearing about the royal wedding. better late than never, right? confession: i truly only cared what her dress looked like. i don't need to watch her take four minutes to walk down the aisle, or listen to the haunting soprano of a children's choir.

it did make me wonder what i'd do differently. my big day is not even two years behind me, and there's already a list of changes i'd make.

a little background story on my wedding process....engaged in february, pregnant in june. date changed from january 2010 to october 2009. in hindsight, that was an excellent choice, considering i was bedrested for the last two months and definitely wouldn't have made it down the aisle.

being pregnant changed me into a very strange, mellow, almost indifferent sort of bride. i always predicted myself to be a bit of a bridal nazi when that day rolled around, but that was the furthest from the truth. my bridesmaids got to choose their own black dresses! thank goodness for the creative people i surround myself with, or it would have literally been thrown together. there were all sorts of loose ends, and i simply didn't care. i just floated through the whole process. i can't believe it turned out as well as it did.

here's what i definitely would change:

MY FLOWERS: they were done by one of the best in our small town, and he does great work. i had no reason to expect different for my occasion. i told him what i wanted, and he told me that wasn't what i wanted. being indifferent, i just let him have his way. what i ended up with were nice flowers, but not the fabulous blingy ones that i wanted. they did have black feathers in them, so that was one thing i should be glad for. i had to ask for those specifically.

MY MUSIC: we had a typical cheesy dj, but he wasn't so bad. however, we picked music that was good to drive to, clean house to, have a barbeque to. i wish we would have chosen better music to dance to. thankfully, the little kids didn't care what was playing, they were out there on that floor, breaking it down. kids will cut a rug to anything!

DIFFERENT CEREMONY: ours lasted twelve minutes. it might have been the shortest ceremony in history. that's another thing we can pin on my indifference. i didn't want to stand up there and be gawked at, so we didn't have any songs in the middle. i didn't want a unity candle. all that was really left was a reading by a dear friend and the actual vows. i don't remember anything that was said during our snippet of a ceremony....i just couldn't wait to sit back down! i think i'd keep the reading and change everything other thing about it.

MY RECEPTION HALL: it was extremely spacious and extremely expensive. i got back 300 "yes" RSVPs and only 100 people came. that was pretty frustrating, since we had to pay for all that food and they didn't let you take it with you. we could have had it in a smaller, cheaper facility.

honorable mention-WHAT I WORE: my dress was pretty. looking back, i might have chosen something a little funkier. it worked for a pregnant bride, though, since it had a corset back and accomodated my growing midsection. i can tell you that it was heavy and hot to wear and i could not wait to get out of it, and not for romantical reasons, either. try going to the bathroom with that contraption on-it required assistance from my maid of honor. i made her earn her title the hard way :)

i wouldn't have changed my bridesmaids or their dresses, my pew bows, my centerpieces, or my amazing cake. i loved that i had a candy bar and terrific food. the whole evening was a smiley blur. i think i was more excited to get to hawaii than anything else.

and if i had to do it all again....honestly....i'd just elope. yes, really.

wishing it fit

2011-05-04T21:28:00.000-07:00

do you know how insanely hard it is to blog authentically when you have readers who literally know you? that you have to look in the face after you bare your soul??

i started an anonymous blog once, that contained all the stuff that i deemed unfit for this blog, the real parts of me that i wasn't sure every was ready for. to be fair, i wasn't sure i was ready for them to know me like that. i felt like i couldn't be as free on this one.

i ended up deleting the other one.

those of you who have been around for the duration probably noticed when my blogs got thinner and my posts got further and further apart. sorry about that. part of me knew i could only "have my cake and eat it too" only for so long.

i need to vent so badly sometimes, and this used to be my go-to outlet. i used to cherish my little cyber mind-dump and the relief it brought. i still cling to it for it's history. it was like a non-judgemental psychotherapist that let me talk things out....many times when i was done with a post i'd feel a wonderful sense of calm revelation. this blog was a big part of discovering how i really felt about things behind closed doors, without filtering my responses.

filtering myself is a necessary evil. and now i feel like i have to filter my blog, and it feels like clothes that don't fit quite right anymore.

this doesn't sound like me

2011-04-11T08:45:00.000-07:00

reading some of my past blogs, i have to shake my head. i didn't have much foresight. that introspective party gal was about to get a big healthy dose of reality. i think part of me actually believed that no matter what changes came, i'd still be quirky, carefree, and nursing my petty obsessions.

honestly? i hardly recognize myself now.

nothing boosts a person's self esteem to be told that you look tired, defeated or sad. and nothing adds insult to that injury that being unable to deny it because it's true.

i have so much going on, and i am absolutely wearing it. it's in my head and on my heart. when i look in the mirror i won't make eye contact with myself, because the person in that reflection is pretty disappointed with me.

my grandma thinks i'll just be able to shake it off after some time has passed. my sister thinks i'm a shadow of myself. i think i just want to go to sleep and not deal with anything.

who am i now? i can't go back to the best me i remember.....my responsibilities are different now. and the best of me is now a 14 month old little boy with a dimple that makes him get whatever he wants.

i'm a better mom than i thought i would be. and right now, it feels like i suck at everything else. i thought i'd be better at rolling with life's punches....but i may have over-estimated myself.

happiness

2010-07-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

i wish that i could go to sleep already. my head is reeling with so many things that i can't get my insides to shut down.

how important is happy?

is it worth risking everything for?

in a different generation, happy wasn't a top priority. people stayed in their ruts, determined to suck it up and didn't seek out anything more. they simply accepted the hand they were dealt in their jobs, their relationships, their churches, their futures.

this, by the way, is why it's sometimes hard for me to talk to my grandma about certain things. she always defaults to the "stick it out" answer.

everyone bases their happiness on whether a situation meets their expectations. some people can be happy in a circumstance because they don't expect better, while others absolutely would not tolerate the exact same thing.

i don't think my expectations are out of control, but nobody thinks that about themselves.

either happiness is easy and i'm getting it wrong, or happiness takes work and i'm too tired.

my life in verbs

2010-06-29T15:34:00.000-07:00

eating.....a kitchen sink salad. basically, if it wasn't nailed down, i threw it in a bowl and put dressing on it.

burning.....a gold canyon ginger lime candle

smelling like.....bath and body works lemon vanilla body wash. makes me smile.

recovering....from a two day migraine. never had one that bad before.

waiting....for my baby's pictures to come in this weekend!

anticipating.....a get together with three old friends, and we haven't been all together in years. it's gonna be a blast!

missing....photography. i need to make time to do it. it's my own fault. i have the perfect subject.

planning....a better future by looking into even more classes after i become a surg tech.

wishing....i had the funds to restock my beauty stash

watching.....wipe out later tonight

you'd get more blogs if i liked red bull

2010-06-27T18:25:00.001-07:00

oh, my forgotten blog. not really forgotten, just not high on my priority list.

in a perfect world where i had far more energy, i would work, be a mommy, get all the housework done, exercise, and blog like a fiend. i get about 2.5 of those done, and i'll let you guess which ones.

the job situation appears to be getting better. after four ugly meetings where i finally lost my cool and defended myself with a really red face, i think most of the bumps are smoothing out. i like my job, i really do. i'm still not sure which of my co-workers to trust, though.

the little prince is growing like a weed, and cuter every day. i'm so proud to be his mama. his big gummy smile is the highlight of my day. we got pics of him yesterday at sears, and i ended up spending way more that i should have. and, the cd that was such a big selling point turned out to be all uneditted pics. that's a crock, if you ask me. to pay for that cd with no other purchase at all is $200. the pics were good, but not $200 uneditted good. i may use sears again, but i'm going to try not to fall for the collections and what they call "fine art" (all the collages, montages, and fancy stuff). it's hard when my son is so devastatingly good looking.

i can be candid and admit that it's easier for me to be a mother than to be a wife. i'll say two things about that and be done: i love my husband, and marriage is WORK.

life is a blur. i think an excellent gift to me would be to let me sleep, uninterrupted, for seventeen days.

scatterbrain stuff on my mind today

2010-05-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

on my mind today....

-i made steak salad. it's a yummy recipe that i got from my sister-in-law's mother. it makes me feel like a foodie when i make it ;)

-i'm going to try doing the south beach diet, starting tomorrow. we'll see if i can even survive one day.

-the baby's fever broke and he now has a rash. grandma, as always, was right. i don't know why she doesn't have her honorary medical license, because she ALWAYS knows the diagnosis. this time it's roseola.

-last week's Grey's Anatamy finale ROCKED. i couldn't tear my eyes away, and i alternated between screaming, crying and gasping. now that's some good tv!

-i'm equally excited about the Glee finale this week. Glee is definitely going on my christmas list!

-it's HOT today. we've had the a/c window units on all day. that ought to make the ol' electric bill shoot through the roof. sigh.

-i sprained my ankle two weeks ago and never went to the doctor about it. it's still pretty painful. i figured that most docs will tell me to do the RICE method (rest, ice, compression and elevation) but with my job, i simply cannot stay off my feet. then, of course, i hear a horror story from a co-worker whose mother had an untreated sprain and had to have surgery a year later. do i even bother with treatment at this point or stick it out? grrr.

-i'm addicted to Gene Simmon's Family Jewels on A&E. he is so different than the persona he portrays on stage. i love watching their family dynamic.

-i've gone for four months without a full night's sleep (which for me is at least 8 hours), thanks to the prince. it's such a part of my life now that i don't even think about it, but i have a newfound empathy for new moms. when i have a friend that's about to give birth, i tell them what was told to me: "sleep while you can. you have no clue how much you'll want it later!"

is this month over yet???

2010-05-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

that rumor about bad things that happen in threes? lies! it can happen in fours, and if you are lucky (note my sarcasm) you might get five.

i'll be relieved to wash may 2010 off the map. it's just been a rough month. mainly these last two weeks. here are some highlights: sprained ankle, death of my father-in-law, speeding ticket, bad meeting at work, and a sick baby in the emergency room. there are other things that happened to make this month a big suckfest, too, and i won't go into those. suffice to say, i am washing my hands of this month.

looking forward and hoping for better things, i think it's high time i find a diet that i can live with. i suppose a part of me thought that after i delivered, it would just fall off. it didn't happen that way. both prince charming and i agree that we need to take better care of ourselves. i don't even have a family doctor for myself, so i would end up being one of those people who uses the emergency room as a doctor's office. i should be ashamed.

i guess a real moment of clarity came for me when i hung up some pictures at work and someone commented that the girl in the picture "didn't even look like you!". but it was me....about a year and a half ago. my motivation just hasn't been there. to be honest, i'm not sure it's there yet. i want it to be and i know it needs to be, but i'm not confident that i'm at the place to get that ball rolling.

life, as of late, makes me want to eat everything in sight.

especially may 2010.

an unpleasant part of an unpleasant week

2010-05-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

one of the benefits of a blog is that you can be painfully candid when you need to.

i had a rather unpleasant meeting at work. i've been there a week and a half. i walked out of it feeling inadequate, frustrated, and lots of other undesirable things.

i could gripe and give excuses. i could tell you a lot of reasons why that meeting was unfair and uncalled for. those reasons, by the way, would be totally valid.

here's what bothers me worse....i seem to find a problem with almost every place i work. i am the common denominator in those situations. i don't want to be that person, and yet i am. of course i feel that all these places have big issues, and i hope i look at the situation accurately when i say i'm not afraid to work. it's not that i want to stay home and draw unemployment. i just know that it looks bad that i have complaints about where i work with almost every job.

i don't want to be the problem. i hope that's not the case.

in this particular case, i was getting yelled at for something i didn't do. i couldn't even muster the courage to defend myself because i was in too much shock that we were having this sort of harsh meeting already. less than a month in! they basically insulted me several times over, and i was blindsided.

i learned a lot from the meeting. like there are people that i thought would have my back that don't. like i need to be more assertive and stand up for myself. like i need to learn really quickly how to be really good at this job or there might be an issue.

i'm filling the desk of someone who was there for years, read everyone's mind, was on a pedestal, and apparently a genius. that's the person i'm replacing. and that person hasn't really done squat to train me. they are too busy taking care of their own business and telling my boss that i don't utilize them as a resource. i can tell you that he's definitely not on a pedestal for me. in fact, i'd like to beat him with a pedestal.

i thought i'd be breathing a sigh of relief that i had finally found a good fit for a job. maybe it's not time to exhale just yet.

please pray!

2010-05-08T15:59:00.001-07:00

i know many of my readers believe in the power of prayer. for those of you that do, i'm asking that you pray for my family. i'm not at liberty to say why, but i'd really appreciate every prayer that goes up on our behalf. i believe that god can change our situation, no matter how dire the straits. thanks readers!

a wrench in the gears of my week

2010-05-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

ah, the whirlwind that is my life.

i suppose since i'm used to some sort of blur in my day-to-day, chaos can feel a bit normal to me. not that i'm immune to disruption, because some weeks add even more wrenches into the gears of my life.

like this past week.

i started my new job. this means i have to drop the baby off somewhere for his daddy to pick him up to take him to daycare, since daycare doesn't open until 7:30 am. it makes for some very sleepy mornings. my mother-in-law takes two days a week and my grandma takes two days a week. except my mother-in-law slept in and the door was locked and she didn't answer the door or either of the phones. i had to throw the boy back into the car, drive across town, wake grandma up, and leave him with her.

then my father-in-law had some medical emergencies and had to get his leg amputated, so we had to go to a hospital an hour away to see him in the intensive care unit.

it also rained all last week, so we had to postpone the rummage sale. good thing, because i certainly didn't have time to get everything priced.

so, on to this week, which is starting out like this: i have a hideous cold. i thought at first that it was strep, but now i think it's really just a sore throat with a cold....and a very leaky nose.

the baby has had two successful nights of sleep so far. i'm crossing my fingers that the streak continues.

the rain continues into this week, and the rummage sale is supposed to be this weekend. with everything else going on, i have my doubts about whether it will actually occur.

my father-in-law is still in the hospital, and has a long road ahead. he gave us quite a scare last week. we'll be taking at least one trip this week to see him while he recovers. he has to learn to adjust to life with one less leg, and that would be a challenge for anyone.

because of my FILs condition, obviously my MIL will not be watching the baby in the mornings for awhile. this means gma gets him four days a week at 6:15 am. i am constantly reminded how unbelievably blessed i am to have this selfless woman in my life. she rescues me constantly.

those are the things i actually know about the upcoming week. who knows what other surprises might pop up?

good news and beer cheese

2010-04-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

i got the job! i am now the inventory control coordinator in surgery. i start tomorrow. it's a good schedule and more money.

i dropped my summer classes and i'll be working at this job until i go back to school in august of 2011. and this job says they will work around my school schedule because then i'll be able to work there as a surgical tech. thanks, god!

and now, in celebration, i offer you....

THE BEER CHEESE RECIPE

1 tub of pub cheese or 2 jars of old english cheese
2 8 oz blocks of cream cheese
garlic powder to taste
optional: 1/2 can beer, and heavy whipping cream to make it super creamy

put in a crock pot til it melts. serve in a bread bowl if you want, with french bread chunks, veggies, pretzels, or anything else that's good dipped in cheese.

YUM!

mashed potatoes=divine favor? um...no

2010-04-22T10:12:00.001-07:00

okay, so i'm trying not to be one of those people who gets a double helping of mash potatoes and thinks it's a sign from God.

i went to bible college, and it wasn't uncommon to run into people who misread everyday occurences as the voice of God. the mail came early? God must be saying yes! the hot water didn't run out on you this morning? God's divine approval on your latest endeavor is apparent! you found the most perfect outfit at the most perfect price? that must mean that God DOES want you to have that solo in the choir.

ugh.

anyway.

about two hours after my last blog post, i got a call for a job interview.

i'm not saying that it's the answer to my big questions....but it might be. it was, after all, pretty impressive timing. i hope it solidifies things for me. i hope this is my answer. i'd like to have a more concrete path laid out for my future.

but it could be nothing. and it could be everything....

dear lord....help!

2010-04-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

dear lord:

i need your help. i can't seem to decide on a path to take. i'm sure you have something in mind but you haven't really said much to me about it. you know how i am, lord, overthinking everything. it's really got me confused.

so i'm not a good phlebotomist. does that mean i should drop nursing? i'm still signed up for the classes....they were so hard to get into that i'm afraid to drop them. i have about a month to drop them. is that what you want?

...but if i drop them, should i be taking some other classes? more schooling wouldn't hurt, and i'd get the refund check as income. which i'm sure you already know we desperately need.

...but if i don't go to school until next year, then i look for a full-time job. that's not guaranteed in this economy. i've been applying.

i guess the schooling makes me feel like i have more control, while the job search doesn't. it's scary for our family to try to exist on my husband's part-time income.

c'mon, lord. i need some direction. boss me around. make this choice for me. make it so clear in my mind that i have no doubt. you have my phone number, my address, my email.

i know you don't operate on the contraints of time, but your children do. help me out, would ya? i appreciate it. thanks in advance.

love

shana

ps: please don't give me the "wait" answer. i'm begging you.

plan b, RIP

2010-04-11T10:03:00.000-07:00

i don't have a clue what i'm doing.

and i'm frustrated that i feel like i should. i have this standard in my head that at my age, i should have many more things figured out than i do.

the lab job isn't going to work out for me. not because they don't want to keep me, but because i learned in less than a week that i hate phlebotomy. ironically, that's why i didn't take that job before. the main pull for me to take it this time was the schedule.

i can't imagine dealing with some of the things i saw this past week on a daily basis. i witnessed situations that were mentally taxing, heartbreaking, and generally uncomfortable. and, i was just in training. i didn't actually stick any of the patients...just watching made me cringe. i've experienced enough of it to know i don't want to do it again EVER.

that brings me to my little plan b that i had all worked out in my head. if i can't deal with phlebotomy, perhaps nursing isn't the way to go. i keep trying to do a little research with nurses that i know and figure out if my logic is right. i'm hearing a lot of confusion. some say i'll deal with drawing blood all the time, some say they never deal with it. i'm not saying i can't do it occasionally, but i know beyond doubt that i don't want to do it all day long every day.

i'm wishing i hadn't mentioned my plan b to anyone. i'm feeling ashamed that i'm so wishy-washy on such a big decision, and i'm mad at myself that i can't seem to make a clear decision on what to do next. why can't i just stick to my guns about something??

so....if plan b is out, then it's back to plan a. this means waiting until august of 2011 to get any schooling done. this also means that i need to find a full-time job until it's time for school.

it's a bit of an embarassment to have such a drive to accomplish something but to be on the fence about the "something". i will tackle whatever it is with full force, once i figure out what it is, and if i can manage to not get distracted from that goal once i decide on it. i always thought i was a very decisive person, but this scenario sure makes me look pretty malleable.

this kind of indecision was reserved for younger people, or so i thought. i couldn't decide on what direction to go out of high school, then after community college, then after bible college, then after teaching. which means i still may not be a grown up yet? yikes!!

i want to make money and i want to enjoy my job. why is it so hard to get there from here???

juggling it all and walking forward

2010-04-06T11:57:00.001-07:00

there is much to blog about.

i've started a new job, one that i had previously rejected....the lab. i haven't had to draw any blood yet, so i still like it. most importantly, the schedule will work so that i can go back to school, since i will be in a floating position. i won't get forty hours a week, but hopefully the school loan money will fill in the gaps.

and then, there is school-that dream that is always just out of reach for me. i'd feel so much better if i could simply get certified in something. they moved the deadline for the surg tech program and i took for granted that it would be the same time as last year. but of course it wasn't, and i missed the deadline, which meant i'd be waiting til august of 2011 to start the surg tech program. i'm impatient, and i'm tired of wasting time.

so...plan b. i get my cna, then i get my lpn. i should have them both by august 2011. by that point, i can either get my surg tech or keep going and get my rn. my hangup with nursing has always been the bodily functions, but having a baby has pretty much cured me of all that.

speaking of the world's most handsome boy, here are some pics.....

this suit was adorable, and he hated it. he left it on for twenty minutes and then demanded that he slip into something more comfortable.

it's hard to be grumpy about lack of sleep when you get this gummy smile.

poker night gone awry

2010-04-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

everything is a little more complicated with a baby. even a simple outing or get-together becomes more tricky.

tonight we were going to get together with some friends and play poker and grill out. i had my husband pick up some avocados to appease my hankering for some good ol' guacamole.

the ones he picked up weren't ripe enough. i tried my best to make them work, but they were pretty solid. even the blender wasn't helping, and they sure didn't taste the way i wanted. i chucked the idea, since i couldn't doctor it the way i wanted and keep an eye on the baby (he was having a needy day).

our friends called and said they probably wouldn't be able to come since their child seemed to be getting sick. still, we decided to press on with the grilling.

then, while getting the grill going, my husband singed off a LOT of his hair. he's bald, so by hair i mean beard and arm and eyelashes and eyebrows....ugh. he smelled of charcoal and burned hair and his beard was melted all together in a big, matted mess!

the baby wasn't interested in any kind of nap, which dictates the fact that i then can't focus on much of anything else. i have to be his entertainment while daddy works on the food and tries to keep the remainder of his hair.

the food was good, though the mood was a little tense, just from frustration of a tiring night.

then, the friends called to say that they were coming out after all. good thing we made all the food anyway! and, they happened to have some ripe avocados on hand.

maybe poker night won't be a total wash after all......i was about to fold!

proof that i need a secretary

2010-03-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

i messed up.

in all my careful planning and scheming, trying to get every duck in a row, i still missed the boat.

when i went on bedrest, i knew i'd have to look for another position when i went back to work. they had already filled mine. i thought the bright side to all this was that i could find a job closer to home, and hopefully one that would have a schedule where i could FINALLY go back to school.

i'm tired of chasing this stupid surgical tech certification. i was doing it part-time in cincinnati, and had to put it on hold since moving back here. what should have taken maybe a year has stretched out to almost three.

so, i took a job with a flexible schedule where school could be my priority. it wasn't even a job i was sure i'd like, but i figured i could do it for a year.

and then, i happened to look online and see that i missed the deadline for the program in the fall.

yes, it's my fault. but i promise when i was looking into this last year that deadline was not that early. i believed i had time. i even called to try to beg my way in, and their solution was to put me on a waiting list.

i hate that i just set myself back a year and half and it's my fault. nobody to blame but me. i was my own worst enemy in this situation.

so now...do i wait til august of 2011 to start a nine month program? or do i switch gears and shoot for a different program that i can start now?

this merry-go-round wears me out. i wish i could be satisfied with simply working and coming home to my family, but i want a fulfilling career. i'm sure i'll regret it if i don't do it. call me shallow, but having some sort of certification will make me feel better about me. it will say that i am marketable. it will help make more money for my family.

i should have finished all of this years ago. grrr.

the best laid plans...

worry worry worry

2010-03-15T18:44:00.000-07:00

ever think you've got everything finally all worked out and then you run into a possible kink in the plans that you can't even do anything about until the next day, and it's likely to keep you up all night worrying about it??

yeah. ugh. gonna be a long night.

is intensity bad?

2010-03-12T13:40:00.000-08:00

i've never allowed myself to own this word, though it's been bestowed on me more than once. for some reason, it has a negative connotation.

INTENSE.

i don't like being called intense.

yet, i guess i really am. i have opinions about everything...stubborn points of view that rarely budge. i was "set in my ways" loooong before i called myself "old and set in my ways". i'm hard to convince, difficult to argue with, and, depending on the circumstance, irrationally definite.

weird that i consider myself flexible, when so often i'm not. i do go with the flow of some situations, but there are trigger points in me that cause me to dig in my heels and refuse to be nudged.

i used to be a bit of doormat. somewhere along the line, i became comfortable with expressing myself. i'm never disrespectful, but i can often state things that other people shy away from (in a tactful way, i promise). however, verbalizing something can often catch the other person off guard and put them on the defensive.

this "digging in of the heels" is apparently what makes me intense.

is it better to work on being less intense in any situation, or better to work on being in situations that i feel less strongly about? sigh.

do i work on being less intense, or do i work harder to put myself in situations where i'm not so conflicted?

i wish the mirror lied

2010-02-16T16:56:00.000-08:00

you don't know how many times in the past month that i've looked in the mirror and thought, "who is this person?"

the girly-girl of yesteryear who used to relish her precious time getting ready to go out and charm the world has gone on vacation, if not completely exited all together. i didn't want to be one of those new moms who finally emerges from the cave of her home looking scrubby and tired, but i'm in grave danger of being that person.

i look at old pics of myself that really aren't that old....just a year. i'm so far removed from that girl, and i'm a little jealous of her on some days.

not that i'd trade my new titles of wife or mother, because they are rewarding in indescribable ways. they are a big part of who i am now. i just want at least a small part of that old me to come along, too. she was much better dressed and prettier in pictures.

it makes me wonder how some of these new "hot" moms do it....still looking polished and relaxed. they seemed to have overcome that hiccup in personal appearance, while i have succumbed to the satisfaction of actually having on clean clothes. this part of new motherhood isn't me at all, and it makes me feel kinda bad about myself. i have this beautiful boy who is always well-dressed, but his mother looks like she may well live in a cardboard box. there are grays in her hair and her eyes are tired and her clothing is in shambles.

who is this person in the mirror?? i'm tired of looking at her.

nothing like motherhood

2010-02-04T18:00:00.001-08:00

there is nothing like motherhood to make you get over any fear of bodily functions you may have had.

there is nothing like motherhood to rob you of any sense of time and sleep.

there is nothing like motherhood to turn your lifestyle upside down and make every single one of your priorities shift.

there is nothing like motherhood to make you worry more and dream bigger.

there is nothing like motherhood to make you appreciate the people you choose to keep close.

there is nothing like motherhood to help you understand why some people have made the choices that they did.

there is nothing like motherhood. nothing.

arrival of the prince

2010-01-26T06:42:00.000-08:00

if you thought i had been a terrible blogger before, it's only going to get worse i fear....because i became Chandler Wyatt's mommy on January 19, 2010!

it was just a routine doctor appointment, or it was supposed to be. he told me that if i hadn't delivered by next week's appointment, he would induce. with that in mind, we went for our weekly ultrasound. but no matter how much the tech jiggled and pushed and tried to pester, Chandler wasn't moving as much as they'd like.

off to labor and delivery we went, "just to be monitored for awhile".

his movements didn't pick up, so we induced. contractions were uncomfortable, but nothing near the horrific things i had forced myself to witness on television. however, that's because they didn't let me carry on for hours. i'm certain things could have gotten unbearable. however, true to form, he kept hiding from the heart monitor (he's done this the entire pregnancy...he's shy). with every contraction, he was expressing his displeasure with the process. thankfully, my doctor made a decision-emergency caesarean section.

everything became a blur..wheeling me to the operating room...strapping me to the table like i was a mental patient.....covering my head with blue paper. i was numb from the neck down. i could hear voices, but couldn't see a thing. my wonderful husband had his head poked under there with me, and when i saw his eyes filled with tears and heard that tiny cry 2 minutes later, i knew everything was about to change.

he was 7 lbs and 1 oz, and 20 inches long. he has a tiny bit of hair, and very long toes and fingers. he smiles in his sleep and has a dimple on his left cheek. his daddy is over the moon about him, and although i may be biased, i think he's one of the handsomest little fellas i've ever seen.

i'll save my adventures of new motherhood for another blog. suffice to say it's like boot camp. i've never existed on so little sleep, and i learn something new everyday. it's overwhelming, both with anxiety and joy. i've traded daily hot showers for getting sprayed with baby pee and crusted with formula. thank goodness for my family, who have been a tremendous help when i feel like i'm flying blind. and thank goodness for my husband, who more than pulls his weight on every front.

i feel super lucky. and super tired....

it gets worse?!

2010-01-15T10:37:00.001-08:00

that's just what i get for thinking i had a clue what i was doing.

i've read LOTS of books, talked to lots of mothers, but being pregnant is an experience that you really can't explain to anyone. no matter how someone tries to explain it, until you do it, you're riding blind.

i know what they said about contractions. i thought i understood what they meant. and i thought that i'd know when they were happening to me. i was determined not to be one of those goofy people who shows up at the hospital thinking they were in labor, only to be sent home because they were mistaken.

those people obviously just don't pay attention, or they are being impatient, or maybe even a little wimpy.

except i was one of those people last night, and i feel like an idiot!!

i guess i don't know what a "this means business" contraction feels like, because i sure thought last night was it. this also means that since i wasn't in labor last night and thought i was, that real labor is going to be worse.

aargh. worse? mother of pearl. i'm not sure if i wanna do this anymore. is it too late to back out????

#637 of motherhood adventures i'd rather not have

2010-01-07T19:18:00.001-08:00

i fully admit that i am terrified that this will happen to me. just watching it makes me want to gag and take a shower.

my beef with texting laws

2010-01-02T07:33:00.000-08:00

as 2010 rolls in, i'm now a resident of a state that has outlawed texting while driving.

before i have my rant, let me say that i believe that texting certainly can be a distraction. i'm not saying that people should be able to try to multi-task everytime they get behind the wheel. texting while driving has caused a lot of tragedies on our roadways, and i think some boundaries should be in place to regulate it.

talking while driving is a distraction. changing the radio station while driving is a distraction. setting the cruise control is a distraction. eating while driving is a distraction.

i'm not convinced that making texting illegal is the answer.

if it's found that texting is the cause of an accident, then i absolutely agree that a person should be charged with reckless driving. but simply getting a ticket for texting? there are too many loopholes.

my main question is, how are they accurately going to prove if a person was texting? they may not be able to see the phone, and so when i ask people that question, they say "you can see what time the text came across". if you own a cell, you know that your texts don't always come across in a timely way. i've gotten texts from people that were days old. if you are in an area with bad reception, you won't be having a real-time conversation either. so if a text comes across at the wrong time, you could basically get charged erroneously. i have a big problem with this.

so that's my issue with one of the new laws of 2010. i'm not diminishing the horrific events that have been caused by some careless drivers, but i think the remedy that's being taken is a little unfair.

an easy out, by text

2009-12-26T19:47:00.001-08:00

if you know anything about texting, you know it has both it's conveniences and it's inconveniences.

i've had many text conversations that were misinterpreted because of the very nature of this particular way of communicating. since you can't see their face or hear a tone of voice, it's hard to tell when someone is being sarcastic, and it can be difficult to distinguish the meaning of a statement based on text. still, it's so quick and easy that the miscommunications are overlooked and daily texting goes on.

i've blogged before about texting the wrong thing to the wrong person. yikes, let's move on.

over the holiday, i sent out a mass text to many people in my cell's phone book, saying merry christmas. sometimes the holidays are the only time i text some of those people. i have numbers in my phone for people that i don't talk to very often.

maybe this has happened to you, as the texter or the textee...but i got back a response that said, "who is this?"

then, it's decision time. there are a couple of reasons a person might get a response like that. perhaps someone changed their phone and hasn't added you back into their phone yet. or...they have taken your number out of their phone because they don't really see the need to keep it around.

you can answer their question or you can use it as an out. i thought about it for about three seconds and realized that i didn't really need that person's number either. the joy of text is that they'll never know if they accidentally got a text for someone else. and since they don't know who you are, you won't look like a jerk.

with a few quick pushes of a button, i removed that person from my list. it felt a little like cleaning house emotionally, and made me wonder who else in my phone ought to get the axe.....

nothing but time to worry

2009-12-21T13:06:00.000-08:00

i feel pretty helpless right now.

i'm bed and couch bound, which means i have to resist my nesting urge. it makes me feel like i contribute very little to the household stuff, so i try not to run my husband everywhere. he's taking it like a champ.

knowing i'd be out of work for awhile was daunting, but then i found out it's a little worse than i thought.

since i haven't been at my job a year, they have to post it. as in, there's a pretty good chance it won't be there when i come off maternity leave. it would be protected by FMLA had i been there a year, but me and my impeccable timing...

the only sort of bright spot is that my employment with the company is protected for six months. however, this means they can offer me a janitorial or a cook position and they are still within their bounds.

one of my co-workers informed me today that they posted my hours. i was so relieved when i got those hours-it made my job a little more tolerable. better hours are snatched up fast in that department, which means even if i do get back into the department, i'll be back working 11-7:30. that's definitely not ideal for a new mom who has to drive 30 minutes to work and would prefer to get the little one on a schedule where they are in bed at a decent hour. i'd get home around 8:00 pm and have almost no time for baby and husband (who leaves for work at 10:30 pm).

it's frustrating, but i can't do anything about it. i have to be on bedrest, and i have to be on maternity leave. i've had lots of people tell me that maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and that maybe the position i'll get instead will be better.

i hope so. the possibility of not having a job and having a new baby to take care of is terrifying.

it does no good to worry since i can't change it....but i can't seem to help myself.

bedrest....day 1

2009-12-15T08:10:00.000-08:00

i spent yesterday in the hospital. the little prince seems to think he can show up whenever he wants, which is probably just a preview of how he'll be once he arrives.

as of yesterday, at 32 weeks, he's still a boy, he weighs 4 lbs 14 oz, and he's head down. he's just biding his time to make his grand entrance.

anyway, the doctor stopped the contractions and has ordered me onto bedrest...after some rather unpleasant examinations that they keep telling me i'll get used to.

i probably should panic, since we weren't financially planning on my break from work for at least another month. however, the combination of constantly feeling so exhausted and not loving my job makes this a welcome break.

so, lessons learned from bedrest, day one: daytime television sure is lacking. it's also much harder to stay in the designated spots (bed or couch) than i originally thought. it's not like i can use this time to be productive, rearranging the nursery and run errands.

i'm not sure if this bedrest is until i deliver or just a few days. the plan is to try and keep the baby from arriving until i'm 36 weeks-another month. it could be a long month.....

at the risk of sounding ungrateful....

2009-12-03T04:55:00.001-08:00

i could blame it on the full moon. i could blame it on the hormones. i could also blame it on people having completely bad taste.

i find that being laid back usually helps me avoid all kinds of drama. however, every once in a while something happens that lights a fire under my passive behind and i get really ticked. this was one such occasion.

i've been married for two months today. before the wedding, i was lucky enough to have two wedding showers. though i have made a few attempts to wade through my extensive stack of thank you notes, i haven't completed them yet. it's not because i'm ungrateful, it's just tedious.

some people gave me a shower gift and a wedding gift. bless them for it. i'm trying not to send people two thank you cards, so i'm still sorting out who gave what. also, i can't send out the finished cards because someone who hasn't gotten their card yet will gripe. it's frustrating that people seem to be demanding documentation of my gratefulness.

what's burning me up is that people have bothered to ask me or my family members on more than one occasion if my cards were done, which i find to be almost offensive. it was always in the plans to send out thank you cards, but i have all these etiquette nazis trying to push me around about it.

this may sound like a callous and unethical statement, but unfortunately this is how i really feel about it: if i got a gift and you attended my wedding, i think the meal at sixteen bucks a plate should grant you a little patience on receiving a thank you card. i fed you WELL, with appetizers, dinner and dessert, plus some awesome entertainment. i went around and greeted each person who came. your presence and your gift was recognized, and i will get you a thank you card. just cut me some slack!

that being said, i did get gifts and cards from people who couldn't attend, and they have far more right to wonder if their gift was received. but wouldn't you know it, they aren't the ones griping.

yeah, so i'm not emily post. i usually pride myself in being in having good manners, but if i get someone a gift, a verbal thank you works for me. every thank you card i've ever received ends up in the trash.

i had no idea that people's opinions of me were based upon whether i filled out a thank you card in a timely way. interesting. these are probably the same people who gripe at restaurants and stores to get their way, and it's annoying.

i AM THANKFUL, dang it!!

mourning another me

2009-11-29T07:57:00.001-08:00

the me of today and the me of a year ago sure are different.

i've had a lot of changes this year. moving, becoming pregnant, getting married. not only were these events a surprise to me, but i suppose part of me expected that i'd still be the same 'ol me on the other side of them. that's not even logical, since most life events change you in some way. even if these particular events hadn't happened, i would think i'd still be at least partially different in a year's time.

this weird, new me is in desperate need of some tweaking. i always wanted to be the cool, organized, confident new mom. nobody warned me that i'd be so exhausted from growing a baby that i wouldn't care a bit if nothing i had on matched or if i had a bad hair week. i go out in public wearing things that the old me wouldn't have dared to put on. i put on makeup once a month instead of every day, twice a day. sometimes i even forget to wear perfume, and my faithful readers know how much of a perfume freak i used to be.

this is all going on before the little one is even here, and i can only assume that it will get worse.

i'm too tired to spend hours making my house a cute little newlywed home. i can't finish any projects because i get worn out or i have to give up because my body doesn't bend that way right now. my husband works a LOT harder on our place than i do, and i simply let him. i don't even feel bad!

what i do feel bad about is that this isn't very close to the girl he dated and proposed to. i haven't felt very pretty in a while. even at my wedding, i put a little more effort into what i looked like, but i wasn't meticulous and i was simply too tired to keep putting on lip gloss.

i keep promising him that the old me will show back up eventually (he's not asking for her or anything, but i just feel bad). there is a me who doesn't simply observe life from the couch and whine and look like a homeless person.

is it absolutely blasphemous to confess that i really don't enjoy being pregnant? this person that it turns me into isn't a me that i like. i'm sure the end result is more than worth it....but i'm ready to be done NOW.

newlyweds=bad blogging?

2009-10-27T17:44:00.001-07:00

i am a bad, bad blogger.

i think about blogging all the time. and my excuse for not doing so is kinda lame, but it's the truth-my computer lives at grandma's, and i hate my husband's computer, which is at our house.

someday soon we are moving my computer into the house (his and hers computers...aw!) and then my sporadic blogging will be a thing of the past. hopefully.

is married life much different than single life? nah. i'm still not used to writing my new name and we have to remind each other all the time to wear our wedding rings.

since we are two people in our thirties who are adjusting to married life, we still have our own preferences. thank goodness we have two televisions! some things we watch together and then we go into separate rooms to catch our other shows. we meet up during commercials and kiss, lol.

we still haven't gone to the grocery store together. i still haven't cooked a real meal in our kitchen yet.

he works nights and goes to school, and i work days. this works well because we are both bed hogs.

it's nice. i'm still me, and i'm married to my perfect match. we lie around a giggle at our dorkiness. he is exactly who i want to annoy for the rest of my life ;)

things nobody told me about weddings

2009-10-24T06:13:00.000-07:00

since i'd never done the wedding thing before, i wasn't sure to expect. there are some things that people and magazines can tell you, but here are a few things that nobody ever told me:

-there will be people who say they will come that you are sure will come, and don't.

-there will be people who you never invited that will come, too.

-it's wierd to feel obligated to hug all the people who come through your receiving line. you will have to hug strangers, whether they are your new husband's friends or part of your new family.

-as much as you love your dress, by the end of the day, you'd rather be in your pajamas.

-you will get gifts you never registered for that aren't your taste at all.

-you will get gifts you never registered for that you love.

-you will get gifts that nobody should give as gifts, and you still have to tell that person "thank you".

-there are details that you swore you'd be meticulous about on that day that when it comes, you either forget or you decide it's not as big of a deal after all.

-there is too much going on to take it all in, and that's why you rely on pictures. for instance, other than the photo op with the cake, neither of us got any cake. and we spent a long time picking that cake out!!

-you will get asked questions all day long. you won't even remember how you answered, and someone will ask about it later.

-you need a vacation after the wedding to get ready for the honeymoon, and you need a vacation after the honeymoon to prepare to go back to work.

i now pronounce me married!

2009-10-15T16:46:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't blogged for a bit. i got married, have you heard?

i had been told that the actually day would go by in a blur. that was absolutely true.

my something old was my wedding jewelry, something new was my dress, something borrowed was my maid of honor's clauddaugh ring, and my something blue were my blue pedicured toes!

i was also told by several people that they couldn't believe how laid back and calm that i was. i wasn't trying to be calmer than usual....i just kind of floated through the day. probably the only time that i got a big dose of reality and my was right before it was my time to walk down the aisle, and then my heart felt like it would pound through my chest. once i got up to the altar, all was well again. it was probably just stage fright, since i don't enjoy being gawked at by lots of people AT ALL, even if i was the bride.
ever wonder what the bride and groom are whispering about while they stand up there in front of everyone? i always did. i'm sure every couple is different, but here's how our conversation went.

"you clean up nice."

"you too...i think you're supposed to give your bouquet to her."

"i know. i forgot. i will in a minute."

the day went off without a hitch, with everything going smoothly. the whole ceremony lasted just 15 minutes, and both of us were pretty happy about that. during the ring exchange, i thought for a split second that mine wasn't going to go on-my fingers are pretty swollen these days. i was fiercely whispering "push it! just push it on!" so the band fits, but i can't wear the engagement ring and the band, so it's band only for awhile. the only true near mishap was trying to haul me and that dress into the restroom (pregnant brides can't just hold it, people!). my maid of honor was very helpful but when both of us got the giggles, it was impossible to keep our composure about the situation. i also kept getting stepped on, despite my dress being bustled.

what i remember most about the day was that i was very happy and very tired. and the best part of the day was finally getting to take that dress off, because it was HOT.
my cake was beautiful, and i never got to eat any. people are still talking about what a good time they had.

and then we flew off to hawaii, and that's another blog.

so now i'm a wife. life is good.

enjoy the pics and stay tuned for more...my photographer was awesome. these pics look like stock photos, but they are all of my wedding!

if you cracked my skull, you'd see....

2009-09-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

oh no i have so much to do/i'm so tired, i just need to lay down for a little bit/why are all these people calling me right now?/how come nobody has called me??/i can't believe i'm going to be somebody's wife!/what if he hates my dress?/i hope my pictures turn out okay.../i'm forgetting something, i just don't know what it is!/do those pew decorations need anything added to them?/i hope none of his relatives wear muscle shirts to the ceremony/the programs aren't done yet/do i even really need programs? most people just throw them away..../i hope that guys wife doesn't cause drama/i also hope my skin doesn't break out from stress/i'm so tired/hawaii is gonna be awesome/i can't wait to lay on the beach and do nothing/we SO should have eloped/i hope my veil stays put/i still don't know how we are getting those girls from the salon to the church/why can't these people work that out on their own?/that's not fair, they aren't from around here, i should be a good hostess/do i start signing my new name immediately or do i have to wait a certain amount of time?/i'm so very, very tired.....

and that's what it feels like to be four days away from married.

drifting is dissatisfying

2009-09-21T06:58:00.000-07:00

i had a fabulous bridal shower over the weekend. my maid of honor (and bff) turned the room into a hollywood movie theme, with film reels and stars and amazing food. even the gifts for the game winners were themed-with popcorn and gift cards to the video store.

side note: i got a dyson vacuum!! it makes me happy in my heart.
..and a rockin' crate and barrel bowl...
...oh, and a sweet crock pot with a locking lid...

as i was discussing how great my shower was and the good time that was had by all, i kept hearing the same statement over and over: that parties were my bff's forte, and that was what she was born to do. thus, the reason it was so fabulous. she is a creative genius at throwing parties.

that sparked my curiousity, and a slight twinge of jealousy. it made me wonder what people would say i was good at. i feel like i'm pretty mediocre at a LOT, and maybe not a genius at anything. that's a tough but honest statement to make. i've tried a lot of things and i'm adequate, but i kinda wish that there was something that was "my thing".

according to the book i'm reading, "financial peace" by dave ramsey, if you do something you love, you make more money in general. that makes sense, because when work doesn't feel like work it's a lot easier to do. life is more satisfying when you are getting paid to do something that comes to you naturally.

i haven't loved most of the jobs i've done. the ones i have loved have been my favorites because of the people i worked with. the career i'm eventually wanting to go to school for isn't my choice because i'm in love with it, either. i chose it because it's interesting, secure and will make more money than i make now. i won't hate it, but am i passionate about it? not at this point.

maybe it's the hormones, but i feel a little lost. i don't know what i love or what i'm good at. i'm just drifting, and it really bugs me.

baby in training (not the baby you think)

2009-09-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

i get really used to my cushy life sometimes. despite my whining on some days, i've got it really good. i try to ignore the fact that it won't stay this way.

what do i mean?

i was raised in my grandmother's house, basically as an only child. combine the only child factor with the grandchild factor, and you've got a pretty spoiled little girl. there are very few things that i didn't get that i wanted.

i think i have mostly overcome the attitude that comes with that sort of upbringing, at least to the point where other people don't think of me as a snot. i don't think i wave my gains in front of others or brag about what i have or get to do. still, in my head, i have a lot of expectations about what i can have.

this doesn't excuse it, but i am much better than i used to be. but in many ways, i'm a little childlike about money. i am pretty useless about managing it, and i can't blame it on anyone else but me at this point. sure, when i was younger, i could say it was because i was never taught and the drive was never instilled in me. now, it's a matter of being so accustomed to being rescued out of financial issues that i often don't even fear it.

that is unexcusable. it's also not something i want to pass along to my child.

i need to be taught, and i'd like it to be before being rescued isn't an option any more. i'd like to find some good reading material that breaks some of this down for me. i certainly don't have the money to get financial counseling (and i'm too proud to ask for it, that seems like an oxymoron...to get money so you can learn how to spend it better).

at the breakfast table this morning, it occured to me that i don't think my grandma truly thinks i'm an adult. and it sucks that i understand why-she babies me and i let her. it's definitely the easy way out, but i don't really respect when other people do that, so i have to change that trait in me. it's important for me to get that respect from her.

getting married and becoming a mother doesn't automatically hand you a ticket to being a grownup.

so, readers, i'm trying to pool all my resources. how were you taught about money and what's the best advice you can give? any books that you've read that really helped you?

"nothing like this" moments

2009-09-09T21:08:00.000-07:00

my life is full of moments where i said, "there is nothing like this moment".

i cherish each and every one. i don't want to forget any detail of those moments. and every time, i'm convinced that i've experienced the happiest moment of my existence and that my smile is taking over my entire body.

being at peace at a beautiful location. realizing you've got it good. finishing a goal. being in love. saying "yes" to your soulmate.

finding out it's a BOY.

who knew that laying in such a sterile environment could bring such fuzzy feelings? my belly is smeared with clear goo and she's moving the mouse-type thing over it and my eyes are glued to the monitor.

the last time i saw him he was just a blob. i couldn't tell what was the head or feet, just that he was in there making a ruckus.

it didn't look like all the clear "pretty" ones i'd seen, where the baby is laying on their back and their sweet little appendages are distinguished and waving in the air. no, not my kid. once he figured out that we were on a manhunt for the goods, he flipped. literally. he turned and faced my spine and crossed his legs. we couldn't see a thing. he also refused to budge, despite the tech's coaxing. she kept jiggling me, trying to get him to move just a little.

thank goodness this wasn't her first trip around a pregnant belly. she maneuvered every which way until she came up around his head and then she confirmed her suspicions: team blue!

i didn't really hear anything else after that, although i think she was pointing out the heart and brain and a few other things.

all i could focus on was my face hurting from smiling so hard and eric squeezing my hand because he was so excited. there is nothing like that moment. it was the best birthday present i could have asked for.

that memory absolutely makes my heart burst, and i can't imagine something even competing. yet i know it will. there is so much more to come.

i'm living a life full of "nothing like this" moments. i hope you are too.

cliff notes on relationships

2009-09-07T13:02:00.000-07:00

truths that deserve reiterating (when it comes to relationships):

1. picking your battles is SO much easier said than done

2. sometimes letting someone believe they are right when you know they are wrong can be the best way to diffuse a situation. doesn't mean you aren't right, just means it's not worth the effort to prove it.

3. speaking the truth in love takes practice. at first, you'll be speaking the truth in irritation, or competition, and a lot of other things that aren't love.

4. we say a lot of things when we are trying to impress. in the beginning of "us-dom", he said i could have free reign over the decorating, which thrilled me. he can't seem to remember he said that, which doesn't thrill me.

5. when you say yes, you aren't just agreeing to spend forever with that person. you are saying yes to making their family your family, and making your family their family. this drags with it all the preconceived notions you have ingrained into you, and all the perceptions they grew up believing. they might not match, and you have to figure out a way around it.

6. you will not be able to react to some things because you've said yes to all of that, no matter how frustrating. his family's vacuum broke, so they borrowed ours. then they accidentally threw ours away. umm...can we have a new one?

7. some things your significant other spends their money on are complete wastes. they also think some things you do with your money are complete wastes.

8. you must learn the fine art of pretending to be grateful for things you didn't really want. be warned: acting overly grateful will just increase these occurrences.

9. being in a couple, even with all the butterflies and roses and intense abounding love, is one of the hardest things i've ever taken on.

sometimes the best move to make is no move

2009-09-03T06:56:00.000-07:00

everything changes so quickly. it's a good thing that i'm flying by the seat of my elastic-waist pants (that really hurt to say. let's not talk about that).

i had a couple of interviews for other positions in the company i work for. suddenly, another person in my department found another job. this meant her schedule was open. i put in for it, and guess who got it? me.

this means in about a month i don't have to work 11-730 pm anymore. i'll be a 9-5:30 girl. i won't lose the majority of my evening!

what about the other jobs? both wanted me to work rotating weekends. at my current position, i have weekends off. also, i was specifically looking at the lab job because i felt the schedule would be better for school.

as it turns out, i won't be going to school for about two years. and that's a touchy subject that i probably won't go into on here. i just keep reminding myself that i'm going to have a beautiful baby and at least i have a job.

so, much to my surprise, the job i was trying to leave is currently the best choice of the bunch. hopefully i'll be less disgruntled with a new schedule. lots of people in the department are applying for other jobs and we lost ANOTHER person yesterday. maybe the high turnover will scare management into being a little nicer. probably not, but at 5:30 every day, i plan on leaving all that mess with them.

the paint sprayer debacle

2009-08-31T07:39:00.000-07:00

because my brain envisions grand schemes that often don't fit into my budget or actual available energy, i have a lot of unfinished projects. i'm the queen of "so what if it's the wrong color? let's paint it!" i, for the record, have yet to actually paint any large furniture.

this spirit of imagination came upon me with wedding decor, too. i want white branches for my centerpieces, but never found any. what i did find was a LOT of brown branches. so guess what i proposed? yeah. painting.

it wouldn't be that hard or time-consuming, i reasoned.

we are 33 days away from deadline, and up until this weekend, nothing had been done. thanks to my maid of honor (who has more motivation than i do at this point), we spread a tarp out in gma's back yard and prepared for the paint to fly.

i suggested white spray paint. she suggested we borrow a family member's paint sprayer. it sounded like a good solution.

however, things began to snowball. we arrive at said family member's house to pick up the sprayer, and they sweetly suggest that since we are using it, could we finish a few of their projects for them? this would mean priming and painting their pieces first.

ugh. we couldn't very well say no.

the sprayer was brand new in the package, never used. they didn't know how to use it, and suggested we just look at the directions.

i just wanted to point spray paint and spray. i don't want to operate a rocket ship, and i really didn't want to work on anyone else's items. nevertheless, we pushed forward.

we assembled. we loaded the paint. it spat clumps of white primer onto the pieces, onto our feet, onto the grass. hmmm. i'm pretty sure that's not what's supposed to happen.

while all this was going on, we were also fighting for our life against vicious flesh-eating mosquitos who actually seemed to enjoy the bug spray we'd bathed in.

we thinned the paint and tried again. a foreboding white cloud rose from the tarp, indicating to the neighborhood that something was amiss. it became apparent that this was not a job for these two girls and a paint sprayer, and while i went to get spray paint, poor charlotte tried to clean up.

bug bitten, frustrated, and covered in paint, we sat down on the porch to admire our work.

"please," she begged. "if i ever get another bright idea that you think might turn out badly, just tell me two words: paint sprayer".

we're still not done. but when we start back up, i'm not using that stupid paint sprayer.

my quirky little town

2009-08-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

if you have ever lived in a relatively small town, there are quirks that are hard to explain to others. i learned when i went off to college that a little town can be a culture unto itself. things i thought were "normal" other people thought were insane.

example: in my town, for all dances like homecoming and prom, you carry fake flowers. not just any fake flowers, though-the bigger the better. much bigger than the bouquets you'd see in a bridal magazine, these floral contraptions more closely resembled grave covers. in addition to their obnoxious size, they often had additions like lights or music boxes. if you couldn't see your dress in pictures because of the bouquet you were carrying, that was a beautiful thing.

another example: my town has a spring celebration where the high school votes in two girls from each class and a queen. these girls dress up in enormous hoop-skirted gowns and waltz and bow. every girl wanted to be "that girl". it's similar to what some towns call carnivals, except bigger. it packs out the gym. the tickets sell out. it's the highlight of spring in our town.

these girls also carry fake flowers, for the record.

my town also has some of the best pizza ever, and i say that in confidence because i've tried pizza in lots of other places. it's a thin crust pizza best eaten with french dressing on top. sounds gross, but i swear to you, your life would change if you ate it. it's so amazing.

so, those are some of my quirks. anybody come from a quirky little town and want to share?

playing more than just two roles

2009-08-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

when the two major events coming up for me in the next year are over, i will be setting two roles aside (fiance and mommy-to-be) and taking on two new roles (wife and mother). these two things take up quite a bit of my time right now, but i think it's important to remember all the other roles that i still need to play: employee, friend, sister, relative. i don't want to be so consumed with my own life that i forget to play an active role in those other areas.

i'll still be all of those things after october 3 and february 5.

life is going on around me, even though my attention gets pulled mostly into those two areas. life will still be going on when i no longer have receptions to plan or baby items to cross off the list.

i can enjoy this transition without being boring or out of touch. that's my new goal.

baby charming is slowly moving in...call the movers!

2009-08-20T06:30:00.001-07:00

out of the five love languages, i'm a gifts girl. and though i didn't exactly time this portion of my life in the most convenient way, i am raking in a slew of gifts!
getting married + baby on the way + birthday next month= major haul!!

(this doesn't mean if you are a gifts person that you should arrange your schedule this way too.)

first, an update on the aforementioned "free" theme-encrusted stuff. not as bad as i envisioned. they bought us a walker, a bouncy seat, a jumper and a cradle. the bedding is the problem theme, but that's easily remedies by covering it up...getting it dirty again straight out of the washer, etc. they bought us numerous clothes (mostly boy themed-that's another vote for team blue!). my favorite out of the clothes are some tiny tie-dyed onesies...they are so sweet!! it's hard to imagine a little person in them.

other people are still giving me their unused baby items, too. i've scored several handmade blankets out of the deal, and bibs. i've discovered that i am greatly amused by the bibs and onesies with snide comments on them (like "does this diaper make my butt look big?" lol). i fully intend to go to the chipotle website and order this.

i had no idea babies needed so much stuff. i've never lived in a house with a baby before. my experience with babies was limited to holding and babysitting the children of others, and gleefully giving them back to their parents when they began to scream or smell weird. i get a little jittery when i realize that i am about to become that person at the end of the line who gets their noisy, poopy baby back.

we've got to change the subject. i feel faint.

i am not a digger. not with sales, rummage sales, flea markets, or any of that. it has to catch my eye from afar for me to drag it out. that being said, rummage sales are stuffed with baby items. i scored all kinds of things for under twenty dollars last weekend. it's hard to buy too much since we don't know if it's a boy or girl...so it's a lot of yellow and green and white. i also purchased my first two maternity shirts (complete with snide comments. what did you expect?)

speaking of finding out if it's a boy or girl....september 8 is both my birthday and the day that hopefully baby charming waves his or her goodies at the camera. let's hope there is no stage fright. if so, we'll know at least one trait from the mama's side.

i vant to draw your blood...i tink (insert evil vampire laugh)

2009-08-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

tomorrow i have an interview at the lab at the local hospital. it would be a move within the same company i currently work for.

there are numerous pros if i were able to make this switch. i'd be ten minutes from home, i'd have a schedule that would allow me to go back to school, and i'd get to wear scrubs (if you've never had a job where you do that, let me just reiterate: HUGE plus).

here is where i am going to have to fake my way through this interview: i don't know if i have the guts to stick a needle into someone. i have no fear of blood, and i have no fear of needles. however, i am very intimidated about hurting someone. nobody loves to have labs done or to have their blood drawn, especially children. i would be trained on the job, which means i'd literally be pushed out of the nest, needle in hand.

i personally don't think it's very comforting to know that there could have been a time when i got my blood taken that it was that phlebotomist's first time. i probably would have asked for someone else, honestly.

i want to be more confident. this skill would certainly make my resume look good. it's been a long time since i've interviewed for something that i wasn't sure if i could actually do it.

they know i have no experience. i am VERY aware that i have no experience.

i'm not sure if i can do it, but i'm going to try to convince them that i can.

the pregnant princess and the castle: a weekend fairytale

2009-08-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

there are surreal moments in everyone's life where you want to pinch yourself because you simply can't believe that it's happening to you. i had such a moment last weekend. it might sound like i'm bragging during this post, but i assure you, i'm just in amazement.

last weekend i took a little road trip with prince charming and my future in-laws to go see even more future family. little note about some of my future family: they aren't poor.

even further side note: prince charming IS poor. together, we are doubly poor. but happy!

anyway, a member of my future family is a very accomplished violist. she's played since she was two, has toured all over the world and has her own cd. she's also incredibly sweet.

we were having dinner with her parents in the home where she was raised. and where, you might ask, was she raised?

in a castle.

no, really.

it was made of stone and had towers and everything.

it's on the national registry of castles.

it has 16 bedrooms.

i ate dinner and lounged about IN A CASTLE.

do you understand how hard it was not to take pictures? i wanted to scream, "oh my word, i'm in a castle!!" i tried my best not to be starstruck. i was so confused by these wonderfully nice people who were feeding me this exquisite food and strangely-named cheeses and i'm thinking, "if i go to the bathroom in this place, i will certainly get lost!!"

the stained glass window on the second floor is worth more than i've made in my lifetime.

i can't believe i was in a castle and i wasn't a tourist!! they said people knock on their door all the time trying to buy tickets to tour it.

surreal. i'll never forget that as long as i live. i hope i get to do it again!!

when free isn't the best gift

2009-08-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

i just got in from a totally awesome, refreshing weekend. it was practically perfect-the only thing missing was my fiance, and he wouldn't have enjoyed the girly weekend anyway.

that being said, i came home to quite a surprise. several of prince charming's relatives have begun to purchase numerous items for baby charming. that's a blessing, and it's fantastic that they are so excited about his or her arrival. we still won't know if baby charming is pink or blue for several weeks, and so these "gifts" are all across the board, suitable for either.

his family has made a lifestyle out of rummage sales and auctions. they find really excellent deals.

BUT. (and you knew the but was coming, right?)prince charming's father and stepmother have graciously furnished us with many large items in barely used condition that all match. the problem is that they are all covered with a typical nursery cartoony thing that i hate (and i won't say, in case there are readers out there that love it). it's the whole kit-and-caboodle, right down to the matching lamps and comforter, also encrusted with said stupid icon.

because of these items, i now basically HAVE to do my nursery in that theme. the theme i hate. i've been robbed of getting to decorate my own child's nursery!! i'm so glad that they are trying to help us out, but i wish they would have asked my taste. i'm sure it's good quality stuff, and i'll never tell them i hate it.

is there any way around this? or am i doomed to be surrounded by the wretched, boring, gifted stuff?

i guess i'm going to have to go register really quick, before anything else scary happens. i wanted to enjoy the wedding first, but i think i better move fast.

playing dress up

2009-07-26T20:51:00.000-07:00

the undergarments for my dress arrived this weekend. i was nervous, because certain parts of my body are getting bigger, and this could complicate things.

i tried to give myself some slack. in case you didn't know this, for a girl to order ANY clothing in a size bigger than she thinks she needs can kinda hurt her ego. we are far more likely to get it too small in the hopes that it was shame us into losing weight to fit us.

the slip, designed to make THE DRESS poofy and horizontal, fit perfectly. we'll hope that it continues to fit in two months.

the bustier, on the other hand.....ooooh. let's just say i overestimated the cup size. i could store my bridal party in there, with all the extra room. guess i'll be exchanging that.

i got to try on my dress for gma for the first time. she'd only seen it on it's hanger, hiding in the back of the closet under a sheet. we'll definitely be opening up that corset back, since baby charming refuses to be laced in. it's going to need a few alterations before the big day.

of course, since we were playing dress up, i had to do the veil also.

i realize i'm engaged, but there are just moments that it's so real. i fluffed my veil and looked at that girl in the mirror, and it took me a moment to realize that it was me. the girl in the mirror and i smiled at each other because we are very, very happy.

dear baby (chapter 1)

2009-07-25T10:12:00.000-07:00

dear baby:

six more months to go. i haven't known you very long, but i'm already anxious to meet you. it's strange to be so protective and in love with someone you've never seen, but it's true. you've made your presence known in a lot of uncomfortable ways, but i'd never trade them because they remind me that you're in there.

your daddy sure is excited about you. he talks to you sometimes, and it's the sweetest thing. you probably hear his voice a lot when you hear me laughing-he's a funny guy, and the two of you are going to get along great. i think having you is the best gift i could have given to him, even though i had no idea he'd react this way.

we have names picked out for you, once we figure out whether you're a puppy or a kitten (as the doctor says). we've practiced screaming them across the house to make sure they flow smoothly when we have to use our stern voice. of course, you'll never need that, because you'll be so well-behaved. ok, maybe not all the time. maybe we can work out a deal, though.

i'm going to work really hard at being a good mom to you. i want you to grow up to be an intelligent, respectful person, and i know that i have a huge role to play in that. there are a lot of things i need to teach you that i'm still learning. hopefully you'll never realize that i'm winging it most of the time.

your grandmas and aunts and pretty excited for your arrival, too. you've already got a stack of presents. i don't have much choice in the matter-you will be spoiled rotten from all sides.

i love you already. i always will.

mommy

dear callers:

2009-07-24T07:21:00.000-07:00

dear people who are calling in for appointments:

i must tell you that we are laughing at you.

i giggle to myself everytime you say you want to schedule a "mammee-oh-gram". i can't help but snicker at the nurses who tell us all about you while you are standing right there, and you have no idea. i shake my head when i hear you slaughter your foreign doctor's name. i am amused by your unsolicited stories of your prior health history and how your great aunt murgatroyd got bit by a squirrel and hasn't been the same since.

it's entertaining when you are trying to read your doctor's order and you're just making things up-my favorite are the pregnancy ultrasounds.

"what's the diagnosis?"

"it's for the sex of the baby."

"what did your doctor write on your order?"

"i can't really tell, but it's for the sex of the baby."

"well...can you make out any of what he wrote? is there a DX on the order?"

"i think so. he's trying to check for the sex of the baby."

"(sigh) are there maybe some numbers behind the DX?"

"no, it's some word. whatever medical word they use to say that they are trying to find out the sex of the baby".

"it's for the sex of the baby" is our running office joke, because we get calls like it so often. having a barium enema? it's for the sex of the baby. having an mri of your elbow? it's for the sex of the baby. having your prostate examined? it's for the sex of the baby.

then we have those inconvenient patients who want to be seen right away because of their "unbearable pain", except they don't take the dates or times you give them. no, they are going fishing that day. no, that day won't work, either-my dog is having a massage, and we never miss that appointment. just how severe is your pain if you can push your appointment back that far??

i'm actually quite professional on the phone, but OH the conversations we have once we've hung up! after all, it's for the sex of the baby.....

rigging bridal decor

2009-07-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

i'm getting married in 72 days.

there is still so much to do! before we moved the date, i was feeling pretty confident that we were on target with the "to do" list. but the date keeps inching closer and i'm starting to scramble.

it's the decor that's vexing me. i have the table centerpieces, but i need things to go around them. i also still need stuff for the pews, the platform, and fabric for the head and cake tables.

i didn't think finding fabric i liked would be so hard. we went shopping this weekend and visited every fabric place around. it got to the point where i thought i might even buy a bunch of curtains, if i found some i liked. if you tuck the edges under, nobody would know they were curtains! i'm trying to incorporate more silver into the mostly white mix, since it's not a white snowflakey wedding anymore.

is it over yet?

i don't need your corporate doggie treats

2009-07-20T07:10:00.000-07:00

i wish i understood why i haven't had a job i like in a really long time. i'm certainly an advocate for it, and i had one a few years ago. in a foolish move, i left it for more money, and have been disgruntled about my employment ever since.

it's easy to find things wrong with your job and your boss. i'm sure i'm probably no different than any other employee who feels like they are in a rut.

nevertheless, i'm going to gripe.

my hospital job, as i've said before, is the company i want to work for. the department i'm in is a dead end. why should they work around my school schedule, when doing so will make me leave the department? i also have the sucky schedule: 11-7:30. at first i reasoned that with that schedule, i'd get a lot done early in the day before i went to work. NOT.

basically the schedule eats up my whole day, and disqualifies me from either morning OR evening classes. by the time i get home from work, everyone else has eaten dinner. i basically have dinner, check my email, and go to bed.

lots of people in my department are ready for a change. recently, two of them have found jobs in other areas of the hospital. in light of this, i went to my boss and asked if i could have the schedule of one of the girls that was leaving. she works an extra hour mon-thurs to have a half-day on friday.

my boss said yes, and then she praised me for the job i was doing. she stated she hardly got any errors back on me. i left our little chat feeling pretty good.

a week before i asked for the new schedule, she had given me a new goal. what's wierd about that is that goals get changed about once a year. being honest, i hadn't met my current goal set for me as a new hire. my co-workers assured me that it wasn't a big deal, and even some of the seasoned workers didn't. so, it was my understanding that i was to work toward my first goal and hopefully hit it before i got my review the following year. except the new goal that she didn't wait a year to give me was even higher!

two days after she said yes and gave me my ego boost, she called me back in. she said that until i meet my new goal, that she wasn't going to let me have the different schedule. this meeting was much different than the first. in this one, she was telling me that i needed to step it up and reach the new goal. none of this made sense after all the praise she gave me, and with my knowledge that goals only got changed once a year.

i asked her why she changed my goal and she said "to challenge me". hmmm.

as you might conclude, i was a bit irritated with the whole thing. she's lost credibility for being inconsistent. if she wanted me to meet a goal, she shouldn't have said yes in the first place. then, if she felt she needed to backtrack, she should have said i could have the new schedule for a probationary period while i worked towards the new goal.

this just makes me work that much harder on finding a new job. i don't like the corporate games where they dangle something in front of you like a treat for a dog. i don't operate that way, and stressing myself out isn't worth the schedule change.

can it really be so hard to find a job i like where the boss isn't an imbecile?

taco bell commercial

2009-07-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

this blog will not make you smarter. i hope that it makes you giggle, though, like it does for me.

my internal monologue is telling her off!

2009-07-13T07:54:00.001-07:00

i was raised to believe that when a person or a situation bugs you, leave it alone.

my gma is probably one of the most passive people on the planet, and sometimes her method works. she stifles a LOT of drama by acting like it's not there or playing dumb. actually, a lot of my family members are passive as well. what this boils down to is that two people in our family can have a dispute and then when everyone gets together nobody addresses it (until after those two people are out of the room).

i've used the method a few times, too. years of scoldings and practice have helped me to become predominantly passive.

however, i don't want to be passive in all situations. being passive would have never found me various jobs, restarted school, and a lot of other things. i'm not a person that i want life to just happen to. being passive takes away my control.

when it comes to dealing with people and having disagreements, i'm passive. i hate arguing. i'm getting better at communicating my point, but i'd be more comfortable sticking my head in the sand. i think of all the great comebacks in the world once the whole thing has blown over and my words would be pointless.

at what point do you decide that a person needs something said to them? gma would say "leave it alone", but i don't know how much longer i can. doesn't my silence in some ways enable them to continue their bad behavior? i am tired of walking on eggshells because this person can't grow up, and i'm tired of working so hard to smooth everything over.

it's not a matter of removing them from my life, because the person is family. she'll be around for the long haul (an unfortunate circumstance indeed).

i wish i were one of those people who can speak her peace in a situation and what i say would be so profound and cut-to-the-chase that it would never arise again. it seems i'm one of those people, at least for now, that stays in my chair silently and glares from across the room.

maybe it's not MY day, after all

2009-07-08T18:52:00.001-07:00

i'm not a bridezilla. i'm probably not even a very good bride, by all accounts. i don't haul bagfuls of catalogs and lists to work, i don't care how my bridesmaids wear their hair, and i could care less if i have a unity candle.

one of the more irritating things about weddings (mine and other people's) is that even though it's YOUR day, it can easily snowball into an enormous people-pleasing event. friends from third grade come out of the woodwork, expecting to be front and center in your ceremony. well-meaning individuals with various degrees of talents want to contribute their offerings to your day by making your cake or decorating.

today, i had someone gripe that they didn't get an invitation. EVEN THOUGH there was a "general invitation" posted on the bulletin board. EVEN THOUGH they never talk to me otherwise. so what if i gave an invitation to someone they know? i don't like that some people become your guests by default. there are some people that are friends of my grandma's, and i could give two hoots about their presence on my wedding day. mark my word, those are the people who will make the snide comments about my ceremony or my decor-the people i didn't really want there in the first place.

they better bring me a present, that's all i gotta say.

how he loves us cardboard presentation

2009-07-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

i love this song anyway, but this presentation was so powerful. especially 3:26...i went to school with her and i remember her brother's death. i went to his funeral. it was devastating. god has a way of making all things, even perspectives, new. just what i needed today!

the ghost of michael jackson?

2009-07-06T06:39:00.001-07:00

you had to know ol' boy still wants the spotlight...

absence is a robber

2009-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

i admit that i saw this coming. absence is a robber.

it happens with every new chapter of life. i've blogged about this topic before, but as your life changes, so do your friendships.

i miss cincinnati, and one of my favorite parts about it was the friends i made there. i made many great memories with those people, and i certainly want them there on the most important day of my life.

still, i knew that they wouldn't all be able to make it. of course, they promised they would and i hoped against hope that they could keep that promise. one of the unfairities of life (yes, i just made that word up) is that your absence can often put you lower on a priority list.

i don't keep in touch with many of my college friends, though i desperately wanted to. on the day of my graduation i nearly cried myself sick because of how much i already missed those people. i was distraught because i just knew that after that day, people i loved wouldn't be a part of my every day. and, inevitably, you drift. first, you call a lot. then the calls become less. if you are on a social networking site, you shoot them a "hello, i miss you, let's get together" thing. you really want to get together, but it just doesn't happen. absence puts this fog over your memory that makes you okay with the distance.

i've missed weddings of people who were once very important to me because they weren't high on my priority list anymore. absence does that.

it's true that the people who are meant to stick around do, but i'm guilty of overestimating who those people are.

i'm finding out that the five hours of travel that would have been no biggie a week after my cincinnati departure is suddenly impossible after i've been gone three months. of course they "miss me" and they are "so disappointed" that they can't make it. i blame my absence, which has once again robbed me of some friends on a very special day.

i'm not mad at them. i can't be. i'm just disappointed.

survey: boo to babymama?

2009-06-28T20:48:00.000-07:00

ok, i'm taking a poll. here's the scenario.

the mother of prince charming's daughter (who we shall henceforth call babymama) still considers herself to be friends with the prince. i'm on board with being civil because it's best for the child, but i'm a bit leery about getting too friendly. to be honest, i know enough of this woman not to trust her too much. i trust him, but not her.

that being said, i'm infuriated that babymama asked the prince if she could come to the wedding. uh....no.

okay, let me rephrase. HECK to the no. that's wildly inappropriate for her to ask and i'm not comfortable with her there. she is not a person that i want sharing in my special day marrying her ex-boyfriend.

prince charming told her he "didn't know", which i promptly scolded him for. i'm shocked that he didn't find her request inappropriate and crass, and i'm annoyed that he didn't immediately say no. now, when she asks for a definite answer and he tells her "no", she's going to know that it's because i said no. not because he and i said no together. it would have been nice for him to have my back on this one.

so...survey says: am i right to be outraged?

way too many hoops to jump through

2009-06-23T20:58:00.001-07:00

i really think it would be beneficial if we didn't let the states all handle their business differently. case in point: the driver's license bureau, aka the evil with wheels.

i shall take 9.3% of the blame for the hassle, since i did wait til the last minute to do my part.

i mentioned before that for a leased car to have plates and registration in another state, many obnoxious things must happen. i give mucho props to honda, who seamlessly mailed me every document i asked for without complaint. love their cars, love their service. yay honda!!

...back to our regularly scheduled attack on the DMV.

i take my envelope stuffed with precious documents to said DMV. with pride, i unfold each one to show that i have done my homework and i'm here to play ball. the lady looks at my documents, goes pale, and says, "ooooh, it's a lease". i kid you not.

i remained composed as she started her shpeel about how illinois is an upfront state, meaning they want the taxes paid on the balance of the car right then and there. thinking i had prepared for this, i calmly show her the document that states that ohio has already taken the taxes out with each of my payments. unconvinced, she whips out a calculator and begins making columns of scary numbers.

i'm losing my nerve. i'm thinking that she's going to quote me a number and i'm going to smile and say i'll have to come back when i have ten zillion dollars, and secretly drive around on expired plates for the rest of my life (or at least the rest of the lease).

it shouldn't be this hard on people to get everything switched over. i can't believe that they are doing this the most efficient way. don't they get tired of swimming in paperwork??

i had a similar problem when i first moved to ohio. i was used to the length of time you had to pay a ticket in illinois. it's MUCH shorter in ohio, and when two policemen showed up at my door wanting my ticket paid or threatening a warrant, i got a hard lesson in being knowledgeable about your surroundings. bet you didn't know i was a closet crook, did you? yeah, neither did i.

anyway, due to whatever she calculated as the depreciation of the car, i was saved. i just had to pay the price of the plates and registration. whew. because i promise you, i had myself convinced that i could dodge the cops for the next couple of years!!

baby stuff

2009-06-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

last tuesday was my sonogram...a much different experience than the first.

for the first one, my biggest concern was the location of the baby. for the second one, i was hoping to get a glimpse of the alleged peanut that made me feel so nauseous all the time. i'm basically a restaurant and a hotel for this little one right now.

i used to look at other people's sonograms and cock my head and think, "i don't know how they can even read that thing. are they sure that's a baby?" if you'd ask me about mine, i can tell you about every detail. and, i got to hear the heartbeat. a lot of people have to wait a few more weeks to hear it. it's the most surreal, amazing thing to hear this rapid pumping sound. it made the whole thing real. there is a little human being the size of a tic tac in there and i am going to be a mother. i cried.

i know that many people don't even know that they are pregnant until they are further along than i am now....and maybe it's all in my head but i'm constantly aware of him or her. maybe nobody can look at me and tell, but i swear i feel the baby. not moving yet, because it's too small, but just this odd sensation where the baby is camping out. a fullness, i suppose. it affects how much i eat and what position i sleep in. i'm uncomfortable most of the time, actually. it's probably my subconscious preparing me for many years of less sleep, lol.

the first sonogram said i was measuring to be 5 weeks and 5 days. that would have meant at the second sonogram i would have been 7 weeks and 2 days, but i measured 6 days and 5 days. i guess that means today i am 7 weeks and 3 days, and that makes me due the first week of february instead of january 30. who knows? they will probably change the due date a few more times. the baby will get here when he or she gets here.

my best friend and i did the ring test, where supposedly whatever direction the ring swings determines the baby's sex. apparently, this is a girl.....

my busy life at 7 weeks

2009-06-16T06:34:00.000-07:00

this pregnancy stuff will wear you out! i seriously could sleep the next seven months and be content. one day i slept 11 hours the night before and then took a 4 hour nap the next day.

the food thing wasn't going so well. i was nauseous every hour of the day. no chucking, mind you, just that annoying phase where you feel like you might. i took dr. wonderful's advice and got ginger. no, scratch that, gma hooked me up with ginger. ginger cookies, ginger sprinkles for my food, ginger pills. the ginger actually worked! i like the pills the best because i'm not a big fan of ginger and that way i don't have to keep tasting it.

so, now that food is thinking about being my friend again, a weird thing has occurred. my tastebuds are bipolar. i don't like a lot of things that i know i normally would, and other things that i eat send me into a euphoric state. it's as if i've never tasted food before and i'm starving and there has never been a food that tasted as good as that food does right then.

my best friend and maid of honor is pregnant, too. we are due two weeks apart. that's kind of fun.

wedding replanning is not as horrific as i once perceived. i am still looking for a photographer, but my dj and the church are ok with the new date. invitations can be ordered this week.

i'm having a boxing match with the DMV. it's like illinois doesn't want anyone from another state to move here. granted, i'm originally from here, but changing everything over is a nightmare! especially changing a lease in ohio to a lease in illinois. there is a copious list of documents that they need....on the upside, i have had nothing but good customer service from honda. they are supposedly sending me all the papers i need.

and lastly, today i have an ultrasound. i hope i see something interesting to back up all the weirdness in my body. the first ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy by showing me the little sac. i was so newly pregnant they couldn't get a good shot of baby charming, so i hope i get one today, to put a little face with the experience.

goodbye, jan 2...hello, oct 3

2009-06-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

so the moving of the wedding begins. the new date is oct 3.

i've had to give up my photographer, who i was so stoked about. he wasn't available on the new date. that also means i lost my deposit with him. grrr.

i'm probably not going to fit into my dress, either. because i got such a deal on it, it's not returnable. guess that means we are going to be rigging the corset back in blasphemous ways. most of those dresses look best with all kinds of body slimmers underneath....which i reckon they don't make for pregos.

major weight loss is out of the question. so is having a beach babe tan.

side note: while i had a hormonal fit fretting about how hideous i'll be the day we wed, prince charming put my face in his hands and said, "you'll be beautiful. just like you are now". aww. sweet talker.

the dj still has to call me back. so does the flower guy. so does the church. i may not get anything the way i originally wanted. running off to vegas sounds awesome right now....except prince charming won't hear of it. easy for him to say...he's not paying for all this and doesn't have to fit into a big, heavy dress while smuggling a growing little person inside. it will be like putting meringue on a sausage...how romantic.

i suppose i have to love his enthusiasm.

planning a wedding is complicated. REplanning a wedding is an evil i hadn't banked on.

dr. wonderful says

2009-06-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

i made a new friend today. we'll call him dr. wonderful, because he's the best doctor in the history of all mankind, ever.

dr. wonderful makes you feel like there are never too many questions, that's he's a wealth of knowledge that he'd gladly share, and he can put you at ease in the first five seconds.

he kinda makes you forget that you're talking about such personal stuff. all doctors should be this way.

dr. wonderful says everything looks good, and the blood work is right on target. he's going to do another ultrasound in a week so that we can get a better look at what's goin on in there. we're apparently looking for something called a fetal pole, which is not at all related to the north or south pole.

in other interesting news, another one of my bridesmaids might be expecting. that would be two out of five. is this contagious??

does anyone know what i'm doing? cuz i sure don't....

2009-06-07T20:52:00.000-07:00

we are officially in unchartered waters here, people.

i don't know what to expect or what's normal in this situation. when my body does something wierd, i don't know if i should freak out or just go with the flow (or lack of. sorry, i had to say it, lol!)

what i do know is that i am in an at-risk category, and i have a family history of miscarriages.

this whole situation was on my calendar for a couple of years down the road. i had plans to talk to doctors about the best way to prepare, and to feel better equipped about the whole thing. i really didn't think i'd be able to get pregnant without a little medical assistance, but that's another blog.

silly stork with it's interesting surprises.

i've always wanted to ask someone in this scenario what it feels like. i know it's different for each person, but here's what it's like for me, at six weeks:

it's like having a mix of a billion gas bubbles and a bunch of angry butterflies duking it out in your belly, and feeling like they might burst out of your throat. nothing sounds good to eat, not even chipotle (the horror!).i'm exhausted and those two things on my chest really, REALLY hurt. seriously, don't hug me. i also can't stop peeing.

i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to go over last week's ultrasound and blood test, and we'll see what exactly we are dealing with. i don't know if it's wrong to feel a little detached, but i do. i don't want to be emotional about it til the first trimester/danger zone is past. i know too many people who have been broken down by the loss of a baby, and it's frightening. i'm still reeling from the sheer knowledge alone. it hasn't really sunk in.

at most, i've assumed the worst from the moment that i knew. at first i was utterly convinced that it was ectopic (i'm high risk for that, since i only have one tube). an ultrasound disproved me, much to my relief. i'm also relieved to know that i actually can get pregnant. i'll explain why i had my doubts in another blog.

now, i suppose, we'll get a doctor's take on what's ahead and if that blood test reads the right hormone levels. high means things are normal, low means likely miscarriage.

if it's normal, we move the wedding. if it's not, we keep the wedding date and we do our level best to keep surprises to a minimum.

i'll keep you posted. thanks for your prayers...i need em!

this road sure has a lot of bends...

2009-06-06T19:42:00.000-07:00

it's been a pretty big year for me.

actually, the last year and a half has been a road of twists and turns that i never dared to hope for, and as it kept dropping in my lap, i kept waiting for a camera crew to jump out and tell me that i've been "punk'd". finding the love of my life and getting a glimpse of what lay ahead was such a blessing.

so the wedding plans begin. everything falls into place, and things get checked off the list. smooth sailing!

the school thing didn't go as planned because of the job, but i figured i would just go next fall.

prince charming and i found a lovely little house to rent. it's unchartered territory, trying to combine lives and being less "only child minded".

it's all about being flexible, and just working with what's given to you. sometimes i have to take a break from it and breathe, and remind myself that i can't always have things my way (gulp!), but i'm lucky to have a fiance who can talk things out with me.

there's a lot of changes going on. you might think that i've got a lot on my plate, and you'd be right.

my full plate just got a lot more put on it.

two blue lines just put another bend in my road.

even babies can appreciate adam

2009-06-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

adam had my vote. see, even babies know he rocks!

impatience is my virtue

2009-06-02T07:59:00.000-07:00

some people really enjoy the rush of the unknown. they don't give too much thought to what lies ahead and they don't spend too much time making plans. they take life as it comes.

those people probably worry a lot less than i do.

though my life has a ton of unexpected twists and turns that make it interesting, i try to maneuver as much of it as i can. i like to know what i'm going to be doing tonight after work, and i like to know if there is a party planned for grandma's birthday in a few weeks. if there is something that can be known, i want to know it.

consequently, this makes me very bad at waiting.

when we would get memos at work for an upcoming meeting that would contain an "important announcement", it drives me mad. the answer exists, and i have to wait to receive it.

same for the oscars, or any tv awards show. the answers have been decided, and they are withholding them on purpose, those jerks!

sometimes i overextend myself in trying to discover the answer before i'm supposed to have it, and that doesn't always end well. i'm just not very good at waiting.

old bride vs. new bride

2009-05-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

i think i've mentioned before that i haven't been the bride-to-be that i imagined myself to be.

every single day is not consumed with wedding planning, comparing swatches of this or that.

like any bride, i want things to be perfect. i have big ideas for how things out to be and what i want the outcome to look like. however, unlike the old me, i think i'll be satisfied if i don't get everything i want.

many brides say they don't remember much from that day, and that it went by in a blur. i want my guests to remember how beautiful my wedding was, and i'll rely on the pictures to remind me.

being wrapped up in getting this house done has actually distracted me from wedding stuff. there are days and sometimes weeks that go by and i almost forget.

it helps that so much is done already. the major items to be checked off the list are: ordering invites, booking a photobooth, seeing a florist, getting engagement pics, and finding decorations. my bridesmaids still need to get their dresses (but they get to pick their own, so that's less pressure on me). because my wedding is in the winter, the best decor will start around september, so even that can wait.

the cake thing is done, sort of. i keep checking back with a lady i used to work with who said she would do it for me, but she hasn't gotten back with me. she does amazing things with cakes, so i'm hoping my cakes get done by her.

did i mention i got a flower girl basket at walmart for $10.00?

i never thought i'd be this laid back about wedding stuff. perhaps you can teach on old dog new tricks!

the walls of hell are coated in wallpaper

2009-05-25T21:13:00.001-07:00

i have found a fate worse than death, and it is hanging wallpaper.

god bless those who actually do that on purpose for a living.

it's terribly time-consuming, and a miserable experience if you desire ANY sort of instant gratification.

the walls in my new castle were once wood paneling. the paneling got painted lime green. then there were two coats of ancient and appalling wallpaper underneath that. what it boils down to is that the walls were in such a shape that painting them wasn't an option, so wallpaper became the solution.

we scraped off all of the ugliness that we could. then we kilzed it, and the hanging begun.

there are three enemies you face when you wallpaper-the bubbles, corners, and the tearing. you can try to push them out, brush them out, and sweet-talk them out, but it's no use. a perfectly flat sheet of hung wallpaper can develop a bubble as it dries. it makes you feel like you did all of that smoothing for nothing!

then, you try to hang wallpaper in a corner. the top will fit, but the bottom seam won't match. all of your pulling and tugging trying to make it match up can cause it to tear, and so can trimming it. you can have a very sharp blade and a very sure hand, but if your paper has an attitude and wants to tear, it will.

after this house is done, i vow to never wallpaper again. i will remain faithful to paint as long as i live, so help me god.

the right thing to do vs not my job-a survey

2009-05-24T07:31:00.000-07:00

a lot of things are performed under the caveat that it's "the right thing to do".

a lot of other things aren't performed because they "aren't my job".

i know people who do every thing for everyone all the time (my grandmother!!) and people who do the minimal to cover their own tails. i'd like to think i fall somewhere in the middle.

but just because something is nice doesn't mean it's "the right thing to do", right?

like putting money in the salvation army bucket at christmas....certainly nice to do but not a requirement.

i don't believe keeping everyone happy is "the right thing to do", nor is it part of my job. doing someone else's job isn't "the right thing to do" or part of my job, either.

so what are some of the things that are "the right thing to do" that aren't my job?

jumping the gun

2009-05-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

today's lesson is about timing.

i firmly believe in it...in the outcome of a circumstance depending mostly on proper timing. for me, this is true with relationships and, most recently, financial transations.

out of sheer terror that i would end up in a trailer, i scoured the want ads in search of an alternate domicile. and, behold, i discovered a diamond in the rough-a very old little place that suited our needs. we signed the paperwork and began rehabbing the house, otherwise known as "the cave with hideous wallpaper".

granted, his grandpa buys and sells property, but when we had gone to see him a week before we signed the lease, he had nothing.

before we signed the lease, we had our eye on a house down the street from my grandma. a small house that was DEFINITELY empty, with an enormous yard. despite asking the neighbors, nobody was sure who owned it. i even made a blind call on an assumption that i might know who owned it, but it was a dead end.

today, that little house is having a rummage sale. i went over and spoke with the owners. yes, they are looking for someone to buy or rent the house. yes, it's three bed and two bath.

disappointed that i'd missed out, i took their name and told them i'd call next year when my lease was up.

fast forward an hour later, when my fiance' informs me that his grandpa had purchased a very significant house in town. significant because my half sister was raised in that house, the same sister that grew up less than a mile from me and never knew i existed (she knows now, and we talk a lot). her grandparents who raised her recently passed and the house went up for auction.

my sister lives on the east coast and wouldn't be occupying the house, and the other family members have established households as well.

i'm about to jump out of my skin wanting prince charming to talk to his grandpa about letting us have the house contract-for-deed. the house is amazing, and it has a history with me. i've been there less than five times, but i remember it's cozy vastness. it has five bedrooms, which we wouldn't need (at least yet!), and a den with a fireplace and a million nooks and crannies that beg to be explored.

and i'm roped into a lease. it's all about timing. i may have jumped the gun. sigh.

boy stuff has cooties

2009-05-21T20:50:00.000-07:00

how does anyone survive combining households???

my stuff, as we all can assume, is fabulous and functional.

his stuff is all.....BOY stuff. why would anyone keep an old ugly plastic cup that once was clear and now is all tea-stained?? there are other cups. he keeps the strangest things. maybe it's a way of clinging to his own space.

he wants to keep stuff that i have better replacements for, and i just don't get it. i'm not trying to replace the comforter with something pink and frilly. what i have is solid ivory and soft. what he wants to keep is blue (read: matches NOTHING) and cheap looking and scratchy.

where in the world would we put a shiny picture of a wolf? yikes.

he promised a long time ago that i could do the decorating. a wise choice, i thought. except he didn't seem to mean it.....

karmic observations

2009-05-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

there is a murky side of me that i hate to own up to.

i am very much a person who thinks that sometimes life should be on a point system. i like things to be fair. (except when it comes to god's mercy, and i'm sure glad that's not on a point system!!) i'm not compassionate enough to feel bad when misfortune falls on someone who probably had it coming.

the deadbeat dad who goes to jail for not paying child support? lock him up. the beauty queen from high school who treated everyone like they were losers? i can't feel too bad when she loses her looks, works at mcdonalds, and her romantic prospects are nill. the guy who broke my best friend's heart? yes, a lifetime prescription to valtrex will do nicely.

i don't get to pass out judgement, and that's for the best. but i'm a little disappointed when people never have to face reality, or get a dose of their own medicine. there's a part of me that doesn't want sunshine and roses for those people who get away with it all.

and sometimes, i get to watch when someone gets exactly what they deserve. though i had nothing to do with that, i loudly applaud that executive decision.

what goes around can sometime come around with brass knuckles to your jaw. there are reminders all around that serve as examples that more people should be taking responsibility for their actions.

bad things sometimes happen to good people, and that's an unfortunate fact of life. but sometimes bad things happen to bad people, and that's not a bad thing.

the employee game

2009-05-18T19:30:00.000-07:00

i'm confused about why people ask questions that have a slim chance of an honest answer.

not just, "how are you?" when we are trying to be polite.

there's also "how does this look on me?".

today, i was confronted with "so, how are you liking the job?" i've been asked this by several employers before, and every time i'm amazed that they bother to ask. do they really expect me (or any employee) to launch into their disappointment about the position, or how they really are just keeping the job until something better comes along? even though employers would say they want your honesty, employees have every right to fear that their job might be at risk for being too honest. no employer truly wants to hear that kind of dissatisfaction-at that point it would be in their best interest to say, "we appreciate your work, but feel free to find more work elsewhere. it's just not working out".

of course i didn't tell them what i really thought. that would have been a foolish move on my part. i'll play the game like a good employee.....for now.

four days a month means what??

2009-05-10T21:56:00.000-07:00

from the deep, dark recesses of my brain comes a confession that i can't believe i'm about to type.....if i don't keep my control freak tendencies in check, i will be a terrible stepmother.

the new house has two bedrooms. prince charming's daughter has been lovingly referring to bedroom 2 as "her room". i refuse to let those words escape my lips, and i know that makes me sound evil. i deliberately refer to it as the "guest bedroom" or the "back bedroom". i know that any person with a beating heart now thinks i am pond scum.

we have her two weekends a month. i'm struggling with four days a month justifying turning a perfectly good guest bedroom into a hannah montana/bratz explosion.

she is a great kid. always willing to help, does what she is told, content to play on her own, no backtalk. she is very easy to love, and my family has really taken to her. she hasn't asked for her own room, but simply assumed. i have never corrected her, but in conversations with prince charming, i've relayed my concerns about the future of the room.

i have a TON of nice household things just begging for a bedroom, and mine is already filled. maybe they aren't things that are exciting to a ten-year-old, but they are girly. i want a room that she will be comfortable in, but also a room that any other guest would like as well. and it would help if i liked how it looked, since i'll be looking at it/cleaning it/paying for it.

already she is bringing in her boxes of toys. i'm aching to hide them away out of sight. she wants to fill the shelves with them, and i want to put them in the closet (which i am deeming hers, for which i should get points). prince charming thinks it's all harmless, but he has waffle brain-not seeing the bigger picture. one shelf of toys can turn into a roomful of high school musical memorabilia without proper supervision, and she has another bedroom in another house for that. i know he's doing his best to be the cool dad. he let her bring a turtle home, and he told her she could leave it with us. you do the math-that means we take care of the turtle and she sees it four days a month.

to me, it's like letting your best friend decorate a room in your house because she's at your house spending the night four nights a month. of course you want your friend to have a comfortable, clean bed in a nice room. you'd want her to have books to read or movies to watch or food to eat if that's what she wanted. her presence doesn't necessitate her own room, and not having her own room doesn't make her less welcome.

if you think i suck at stepmothering, i can't blame you for feeling that way. i know i have to find a compromise. but seriously, four days a month means i have to surrender the room? i think that's unreasonable.

once you've recovered from your shock from my lack of soul, proceed with your reprimands......

i remind me of her sometimes

2009-05-05T20:56:00.000-07:00

this was inevitable, really.

i'm starting to act like my gma.

ask anyone who knows her-she is the most generous, hard-working, selfless person around. she's got more energy than most 18 year olds, and the wisdom of a 500 year old person. i'm less than a fraction of the woman she is.

however, i am starting to pick up some of her mannerisms, and when i catch myself, i have to laugh.

exhibit a: my manager's baby shower is tomorrow. i forgot until just now, when everything was closed. gma, of course, has a gift stash on hand for just such an emergency.

i will be starting a gift stash, so i'm never empty-handed again.

it's just one thing in a long list of things that she's right about. as usual.

escaping the trailer park

2009-05-03T20:52:00.000-07:00

let me start off by saying that i'm not a trailer girl.

nothing against those who choose to live in a trailer or a trailer park, but it's not for me.

prince charming owns a trailer in a trailer park. i've fought the very idea of spending much time there from the very beginning. call me a snob if you must.

he also refuses to consider renting an apartment. he loathes the thought of having people above or below him, and other tenants are much too close to comfort for his taste. this leaves two options: buying a house, or renting a house.

i'm not opposed to buying a house at all. the reality is, both he and i are still paying for our past financial mistakes. if i could go back in time, i'd slap myself several times and refuse to let myself open more than one credit card. however, live and learn-we can't do anything about the past now. it's going to be awhile before we can purchase any property. if you're keeping score, that means we are down to our final option: renting a home.

at first, we had a lengthy list of things we wanted in a home. my list, of course, was longer than his. he wanted a big yard and two bathrooms. i wanted three bedroom/two bath, a big kitchen, a decent driveway, and a myriad of other things.

finding a place in this little town isn't hard. the trick is to find a non-scary place in a non-scary neighborhood in our price range.

we checked out a home that was just down the street from my grandma. it was a 3 bed/2 bath, with a pool and deck in the back. but because it was a manufactured home, every wall in the house was wood paneling (ack!!). the living room carpet was pink (aaargh!!), the rooms were veryclosetogether, and the master bath tub was olive green.

the more we searched for a place, the clearer it became that some of our priorities might have to give a little. despite his protests, i called up an ad from the paper and made an appointment to go look at a little place across town.

it was a cute little white house in a nice neighborhood. it didn't have the big yard that prince charming desired, or the three bedrooms and two baths that i desired, but it's enough to start with-two bedrooms and one bathroom. there is an enormous living room with built-in bookshelves and a fireplace, as well as a basement. there are hardwood floors throughout. the wallpaper is shockingly hideous, but the landlord said he would pay for new wallpaper if we would put it up.

when prince charming saw my eyes light up as we took the tour, he knew he wasn't going to win this one. we filled out an application and told the landlord that we wanted it.

barring any unexpected circumstances, we should know something definite this week. and it looks like i may have escaped the trailer park.

going to the zoo...and petting a zebu!

2009-04-26T19:58:00.000-07:00

here is my nerd confession of the day...everytime someone says the word "zoo" i hear adam sandler's voice in my head from "billy madison" saying, "call the zoo!"

and speaking of the zoo, i went today.

me, prince charming, his daughter, my best friend, her husband, and her baby all went to the zoo together. i saw creatures great and small, and people strange and wierd. i even saw a hairdo that i'm certain belongs in the mullet hall of fame!

most notably, i petted a goat. and a zebu. come on, everyone, sing that song from veggie tales...."zebuuuuuuuu...."

the day has left me happily weary, sunburned, in need of a shower, and slap-happy. thus, the overtone of this post.

here comes the bride with her free stuff.....

2009-04-23T16:22:00.000-07:00

now, here's an excerpt from the shallow brain of a bride-to-be!

you should try this getting married stuff, if you haven't already. you get all kinds of special treatment, and everone is congratulating you. plus, people become very helpful and generous when it comes to your future home. they start giving you all kinds of stuff for free!

for instance, a lady at my grandma's church is giving us her patio set. this isn't your average, run-of-the-mill rummage sale set, either. it's an expensive set with table and chairs, bench, arch, umbrella, and my favorite feature-a firepit!!!

i can't wait til i actually have a yard to put it in ;)

i have no green thumb for growing dreams

2009-04-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

i'm wondering....is it me?

do i do this to myself?

i'm thinking about blogging about my distresses and then i wonder, "is that all i ever talk about?" i don't want to be a drama queen. though i can tell a great story and although outlandish things happen to me, i don't want you to think that i must thrive on a constant state of panic/drama/misadventure. if you don't feel like reading my whining, i'm sorry in advance. before you go, please admire the picture of the lovely and enormous roses that my precious fiance' got me for no reason on friday.

oooh. aaah. okay, back to our regularly scheduled gripe fest.....

i'm still reminding myself that i chose this. and i keep telling myself that it won't always be this way.

when i griped to someone today about my frustration with not being able to go back to school right away, i was told, "school isn't all it's cracked up to be". THAT from a person who makes over $100,000 a year because he went to school for so long. what kind of contradiction is that??

i feel like a have to finish school now because i'm already going to be paying for it. and because i want to make a LOT more money.

i can tell you that if i had been able to see the future and i would have known that i'd have this current job and this current school situation, i'd have stayed in cincinnati another year. i would have kept my job there and kept up with school there. i would still be getting married in january, but i would have waited to get here just a little bit longer.

i feel like i've shot myself in the foot and i'm standing in a hole that i can't climb out of. the clock is ticking and i could very well lose this race. i'll finally go back to school at forty, only to be in the work force for twenty years at a job i finally worked my way into. if prince charming and i have children right away, that will put a hitch in the plan, too. children are a blessing to be sure, but they definitely alter your plans.

people at factories are making more than i am. fast food managers are making more than i am. people on welfare are making more than i am, but we won't go there.

i don't want my schooling to be for nothing, and i'm so worried that it will be. and, i know people who went all the way through school, even to a master's degree, who aren't working in their desired field.

to everyone who is thinking about going to school and has the opportunity: do it now, before that window closes! it may not always be there.

trying to make this come together and feeling the hot breath of defeat on my neck is killing me slowly. i'm just not living in a place that grows dreams, and i don't know how long i can keep mine alive.

don't let go, girls

2009-04-13T21:17:00.001-07:00

not exactly sure why, but i wanted to show a little bit of blog love to my single friends.

i know the unknown is hard. it's frustrating trying to wrap your head around what may happen next. it's hard not to become bitter with disappointment when a door slams in your face, or worse yet-you can't find the door.

you struggle because you were meant for something better, though it seems like the good stuff is happening to everyone else. no, it's not fair. waiting for things to be different and feeling like you have no influence or say really stinks.

you have a lot of great things going on, and you are surrounded by great people. but, it's okay to want just a little bit more.

i'm not in charge of these sorts of things, but i believe you'll get it.

that place where there is no more energy to hope for more? where you're afraid that you'll look like a fool for clutching that dream so long? i've been there.

it won't stay this way.

you never know what tomorrow brings.

i know it sounds easy for me to say, since i'm not single anymore. i can only tell you that i was at my wits end, and felt like any door of opportunity had closed for me. i honestly didn't think it was going to happen for me, ever. my fear of being old and alone fizzled into a numb resolve to simply be content. i felt cheated in a lot of ways.

i didn't believe i'd ever see this day.

don't let go. good things are in store, girls. believe it!

separating the man from the message

2009-04-13T05:06:00.000-07:00

caution: i hope i'm not treading in shark infested water here.

it is hard for me to separate the man from the message.

even though i know as humans we are flawed, we mess up and bad choices are easily made, i want to tune whatever is being said out. if i don't respect the mouth that speaks it, it doesn't matter what you are saying.

unfortunately, i know that truth is truth. a chronic liar can quote the bible and the bible's words are still truth, though the vessel is dirty.

is it too much to want the whole package? i've seen it before, many times. it is possible to live what you are speaking, and bring honor to the role you were spiritually assigned! leadership is supposed to live a few steps above the congregation and set an example. nobody is perfect, to be sure, but ministry is a responsibility that puts you in the spotlight. one ought to have a certain reverence for that glass house.

i don't think i'm looking too hard, trying to find a flaw. if i were to have a spiritual shepherd, i'd want to respect him with my care of my soul. it's just very hard for me to separate the man from the message.

i've been mooned!

2009-04-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

there might really, truly be something to all that full moon business!!

the lady who is training me at the hospital used to work in the emergency department. she said that there are always more accidents, births and injuries on a full moon, and even a new moon. she swears that you won't catch any fish on a full moon, either.

they play a lullaby over the intercom when a new baby is born. thursday was a full moon and we had five births (that's remarkable for a small town!).

that's very weird. i'm just sayin'.

maybe optimism is the dream

2009-04-09T04:44:00.001-07:00

what really stinks is that i chose this.

i've been fighting off the blues as i settle into this new environment. i've seen it happen to others, where your motivation silently creeps out the back door and you start accepting that things will be this way.

don't get me wrong-i love being near my family and my fiance.

however, i'm already so tired of this "swimming upstream" environment. i'm starting to understand why this town is filled with people who never realized their dreams. you get stuck, and then you quit fighting. it's a slow, but easy death if you simply stop fighting it. the truly determined people move away where there is more opportunity, but most people are content to go down with this ship. i escaped for awhile.

right now, i don't feel up to this challenge. there is such a large part of me that begs me to just throw up my hands and just live what i've always considered to be a lesser life. "at least you are near your family", says the voice.

the jobs don't pay well. school is on hold. in between the two of us, our debt is astonishing. it is likely that in eight months, i will find myself living in accomodations that i will be ashamed of, indefinitely.

this wasn't the dream. at least, this situation isn't. this has the right people and the wrong circumstance, and i don't know where to go from here.

down looks very easy, and i may be too tired to fight....

small town giggle #132

2009-04-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

i went to "THE walmart" and was greeted by a little old lady with banana curls and two clips in the front of her hair that had easter bunnies on them. i had to smile.

jesus, take the wheel!!!

2009-04-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

the last of it is moved. now there is no denying that i'm a southern illinois resident once more.

by the way, had you told me this was where i would be back in june 2008, i would have run screaming.

i got accepted into both programs at the college here. that means i was in the top five of all the surgical tech applicants, and in the top five of all the medical lab applicants. i applied for both just to see which one would take me, but it looks like i'd have my pick.

except there's that tiny little issue called work.

i'm talking to a counselor tomorrow about the possibilities. i want to know how other people who work full-time get through the program, and if the schedule is flexible at all. i want to know if anyone ever takes longer than a year and half to get through it.

i pondered the idea of taking some of my vacation days to get through school (my new job gives me MASS vacation. the most i've ever had at a job, ever). however, my cousin has advised me that this will probably tick off my new employer, and i think she's probably right. technically, that would be using my vacation hours to make my own schedule. if i were an employer, i'd be cranky about that.

i need a job. this is the company i'd want to work for, just not the position or the hours. should i just count my blessings and put off school?

my best manuevering skills might not help me through this situation. i'll be trusting god to put me where i need to be....because i can't even pretend like i have any control over this.

i thought i was a city girl....

2009-03-29T23:17:00.000-07:00

i am stunned at how easy it is to adapt to new surroundings.

i really do miss the nati. i miss my friends there, the stores and restaurants there, all the options of things to do there.....but here i am back in illinois. it's been less than a month, and today i forgot that i haven't always lived here.

prince charming and i were driving around looking at houses and he would say, "the jones lived there"....or "the smith's must be selling their house". here in this little town, there are names attached to these houses. in cincinnati, you would say, "what a great house. i wonder what they do for a living!"

so, we begin a slightly reluctant house hunt. his grandpa owns lots of property, so we may find ourselves renting from him.

houses here are super cheap compared to property values in cincinnati. we could easily get a starter home here for $25,000. then again, cost of living is lower. the amount i'm being paid per hour at my new job is the lowest i've had for a full-time job in YEARS.

my life is rapidly changing. in addition to now seeing my fiance' every day and moving back into gma's house, i'm learning how to be a stepmom and a daughter-in-law. it's strange for me to have new family just handed to you like this. suddenly, i've acquired a ten year old and a mother-in-law. do i hug them? do i act like a buddy? i'm still testing the waters on this.

i have to throw this in: praise the lord above that my in-laws are sweet, down-to-earth, normal people with a sense of humor. they came to dinner with my side of the family and it was a perfect fit. it makes my heart burst!

and my head is so full of "what next?". prince charming, my gma and his mother get all happy and glazed over when there is baby talk. baby talk?? i'm still getting used to being in a relationship. i still can't hardly fathom being married, having a house and MAYBE a family dog. i'd really like to wait a couple of years, but we'll see how that whole thing pans out. parenthood is beyond terrifying to me. if the baby is a mix of me and prince charming and we both were little terrors as children, we could create a little person so shocking that Supernanny couldn't even save us.

that's in the distant future. the much distant future.

let's just get through tomorrow, shall we?

employed, not overjoyed

2009-03-26T07:58:00.001-07:00

i got the job i didn't want. all i can do is shake my head and laugh about it.

i guess this means i can't go back to school for awhile.

everyone keeps saying "take the job but keep looking". however, i feel bad. especially since my future supervisor called before they made me the offer just to make sure that those hours would work for me. i know that in this economy that jobs are scarce and hard to keep. as much as i hate to put college on hold, my bills won't wait.

i know people switch careers and jobs all the time. if she hadn't specifically called to confirm that the schedule was okay, i'd feel a lot better about a continued job hunt.

if i miss getting in the program this fall, i will have to wait until next fall.

okay, so this one might not work out how i wanted. there has to be a reason it worked out this way. a lot of derailed plans in my life have worked out for the good, so we'll hope that this one falls into that category.

the girly onslaught continues.....

2009-03-24T20:38:00.000-07:00

this is more girly weddingness......

these are our save-the-dates! they are magnets, how fun is that??? i loved the idea of magnet save-the-dates, but they can get pricey. i pride myself on finding these pretty cheap.

i can't lie, the photo booth was a bit small for the two of us. once we smooshed ourselves into the booth, we couldn't figure out how to work it or when pics were getting taken. still, it was fun. i think i want to rent a photo booth for the wedding reception....

this blog entry is PINK

2009-03-24T15:54:00.000-07:00

if for nobody else but the muffin, i present the girliness that is....a vintage wedding blog. i ran across it in cyberspace, and it's fun!

a plan b life

2009-03-24T08:51:00.000-07:00

i saw the movie "knowing" a few days ago. media always causes my mind to ponder the possibilities.

this movie is closer to reality than many people might think at first. the story line won't go exactly like the movie, but the premise is the same: the end of the world is very, very real.

being a christian, i'm sure i have a different view on this than others who have seen that movie. i grew up in a minister's home and been to bible college....i've heard about "the last days" my entire life.

every generation has been drilled with the warning of being in "the last days". i just had this discussion with my grandma. many old-time preachers, convinced they wouldn't be around in 2009, made some decisions with their money that leave them nearly penniless now. they weren't planning for the future because they were so sure that there wasn't a future (at least on earth).

we don't know what tomorrow holds. if i knew for certain the end of the world would be in the next year, i wouldn't be worrying about debt or college. suddenly, my priorities would be very few: god, family and friends. period. nothing else would cloud my mind. no more upcoming years to plan for, no stress about unpaid bills, no need to take care of my health, no need to maintain the life of my car, no reason to have a savings account.

it's easy to forget that we are closer to the end than we were yesterday.

and yet, we see by example that we can't chuck all of our plans and assume no responsibility for the days ahead. it's a fine line....plan a is to be in heaven in the next five minutes, plan b is what to do in case we are on earth a little bit longer than that.

every generation has made comparisons to the book of revelation and events of their time. there will always be someone in the news who seems to fit the role of the anti-christ. there will always be war in the middle east. your translation of "end times" might line up with the bible, and yet, people who lived 50 years before us felt that with the same tenacity.

so we live plan b until plan a interrupts.

attack of the gift registry!

2009-03-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

it would have been very entertaining to be a fly on the wall as prince charming and i registered for gifts this past weekend.

i should point out that months ago, he told me i'd have free reign with the decor, save the one room that could be his own domain. that room, i reason, will be filled with ugly boy things like sports memorabilia and cheap bachelor-type trinkets. he definitely needs a woman's touch.

also, it should be noted that i don't plan on turning our home into a frilly, girly place. i want him to like his surroundings, and i was taking him into consideration while we registered.

with all that said.....the registry scan gun could not be used as a weapon. and on that day, it was a good thing.

many times we went over the concept that a wedding registry was for gifts to us as a couple, not individually. we also have some differences in taste. it sounded like this:

"no, we don't need an electronic dartboard! that's something you might ask for for christmas, not a wedding gift!"

"a st. louis cardinals garden gnome? babe, we don't even have a yard yet. and i don't want to open a gnome at my shower. that's something you enjoy, not me."

"oooh, i like this. you really don't like it? well.....do you HATE it? are you sure you hate it? it really goes with that other stuff we picked out! (sighing loudly). oh, fine (sounding defeated)."

what's really going to make this interesting is that i planned to go into our register online later and (ahem) add a few things. and....so did he. there's no telling what kind of gifts we'll be getting!

a tale of unfairness from the cornfield

2009-03-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

it's a widely known and often proven fact that life isn't fair.

even when you are trying very hard to pull your own weight. even when you feel all your ducks are in a row. in a utopian world, things would simply fall into place and your goals could be reached with no obstacles.

my job hunt is in full swing. i hate the job hunt.

it has been said that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

my plan: go to school and work full time.

His plan: to be announced.

today i had the sickening realization that i may have to take a job that won't allow me to go to school. i interviewed for a hospital position today with a 11-7 schedule, which would essentially make both morning and evening classes impossible.

and if they offered it to me, i'd have to take it, wouldn't i? i need to pay my bills. when i'm mrs. prince charming, i need to bring some income into our house. i am still job hunting, but employment is scarce in this area. i should take it and be grateful.

but then, if i don't go back to school, sallie mae is gonna want her money. and i'll be making less of it if i haven't gone back to school.

and working in a hospital is pointless when the whole point of working there was to get in on the ground floor so that when you graduated you had all your connections.

i feel kinda trapped. it's so unfair!!