under the fuzzy blanket

ive honestly debated on on and off for years about creating a separate, anonymous blog that had a sole purpose of just letting me gripe. it would let me say whatever insensitive, taboo thing that was on my mind instead of letting it pace around in my brain. it may still happen one day soon. if it already existed, what i'm about to say would go there instead. unfortunately, this is where it has to go for now. it's a very negative, scroogey but authentic side of me. i don't normally show it because everyone thinks i'm just "so nice". this is what's under the fuzzy blanket.

more than ever, i think charities are a crock. it especially frustrates me during the christmas season, where everyone is in the giving mood and they get recognized for their donations to this or that.

the angel on my shoulder wants you to know that i do not despise humans that are truly in need. i don't want people to needlessly suffer, and there are a few out there. that being said, i'd wager that 90% of the people benefitting from people's generosity aren't truly in need.

i know lots of people on government assistance. i know lots of people on unemployment. i know lots of people who live in "meager" conditions. and despite all those things i still firmly believe that more than their circumstances, they are in their predicaments because they don't budget their money, they abuse the system, and they spend what they have unwisely.

i can't justify donating food or money to a family with several children who all have cell phones, cable, several gaming systems, and fake fingernails. they are out at the bars on the weekend and chain smoking, eating out at restaurants and letting tons of people crash at their place. they barely work or they are picky about what job they apply for, which gives them a perfect excuse to remain unemployed. they've found some quack doctor to call them handicapped, so they claim disability. these are not parts of a lifestyle i wish to help them out with.

"but they can't pay their electric bill!" then i guess they should have their cable turned off and their cell services backed down. maybe every able-bodied person in the house should get a job.

"but they don't have any food!" that's because they used their money on other things.

"but their income is so low and they have a bunch of people to support!" okay, sometimes this happens. for instance, you get a grandmother who takes in a bunch of grandchildren. that's somebody who needs help, as long as she isn't supplying cell phones to all the kids and has a husband who won't get off his rump to help her.

i love my cell phone, my internet, and my cable. i'd be grumpy without them. but they aren't necessities!

i hear about people who won't have much money to give christmas to their children because funds are low. it's a sad story until you see the enormous television in their living room and 57 dogs and cats that they've decided to parent.

i just feel like paying someone's bill or giving them money just enables them. for the most part, they have bad habits that aren't going to go away just because they get rescued a few times.

i've been dangerously low on funds. you know what i did? i sold a lot of jewelry, electronics, and books. i parted with a lot of things i enjoyed. i got another job. when i didn't have groceries, i stretched what i had. sometimes it was crackers and ketchup.i made it work until the next payday. it was embarassing and difficult, but i survived. i'm fortunate that i have people in my life to help.

there really are people that need help during the holiday season and various times of the year. i helped raise money for a family who lost a child and couldn't pay the funeral expenses. that's need. but did you know that lots of people who get their food from church pantries actually take that food and try to return to places like walmart (that don't require a receipt)? they aren't hungry, they just want cash to use for.....whatever. those are the same people who will ask you to help pay their electric next month.

call me a scrooge, i have big shoulders. i just have no sympathy for people who want other people to foot the bill for their lifestyle. i keep my eyes open for the ones who honestly need assistance, but there really aren't that many.

there isn't an endless supply of roads

there's a storm of emotion in my brain right now...some confused, some sad, some worried.

i see so many couples and families out there that have what i want. what i want isn't some unfathomable, unreasonable goal, and yet it seems pretty far off to me. i want a marriage with good communication, between two people that make being a healthy family the top priority. i want a marriage where time with our friends is a treat, but not an necessary escape from our spouse every week. i want a marriage where the spouses respect each other, and how other people view us actually matters. i want to be on the same page about parenting, self-improvement, and finances.

it can be done. i know people that have it. i want it so badly i could cry on some days.

there is no map. all the roads i keep trying are dead ends. i'm getting scared that i'm running out of roads.

i have no idea how i got here, only that i didn't do it alone.

NOT a beauty school dropout

week one of cosmetology school finished!

i'll explain myself in case my choice confuses you. no, i didn't lose interest in the medical field. however, i lost my job from a corporation that owns most things in this area, and i'd never be able to work for them again. so, if i pursued surgical tech, i'd have a very difficult time getting a job. i had to rethink a few things, and cosmetology fit my interest.

i'm having a great time, learning and making new friends-it almost doesn't feel like school! many of the girls that i've talked to tried other careers first, too, and that definitely strengthens my confidence. cosmetology is it's own world...perkier than i'm used to, but it's contagious. community service is actually part of our grade, so that gets me out to all kinds of social events. just yesterday i was working at an event, putting feather extensions in little girls' hair, having a blast, and i've only been doing this a week.

already i have a competition to get ready for, and i'll have several of those throughout my training. i'm not competitive, but i'll try to have fun with it. i'm hoping years of fancy updos will help me out!

in eleven months i'll be done, and then hopefully i can exhale, knowing that i'll have a satisfying career. i don't want to try out anything else, i just want to be settled. not that i ever want to quit learning, but i want to rest in the fact that i've figured out what i want to do.

not the ending you expected? me either

i wasn't sure i'd ever put this out into the blogosphere. however, if i can publicly chide people for trying to appear different than they are, then i'd be a hypocrite. if you lived near me you'd know about it anyway.

my husband and i have been separated for a couple of months. he lives with his mother and i live with my grandmother. we still love each other, and we talk every day. chandler stays with me, and his father gets him every other weekend.

what happened?

i'm ashamed that we didn't even get to the two year anniversary mark. i promise i hung on as long as i could. i never expected this kind of outcome. both of us made mistakes. both of us quit fighting for our relationship and just kept fighting against each other. i could give you a list of things that finally broke me down and caused the conversation where we decided to live separately...but i'm sure he has his own list of complaints.

we did have some obstacles from the start. both of us had lived single and were into our thirties, and both of us were rather set in our ways. i was raised in a home where the wife catered to the husband, and i tried it for awhile. honestly, when i felt like i wasn't getting the same courtesy, i stopped. ironically, facebook has become a bit of a sore spot for me where our marriage is concerned, and though he knows this, nothing has changed.

add in the stress of a newborn, jobs we didn't like, and ultimately joblessness, and it was a cocktail that was all too hard to swallow. since we look at money differently, we could never come to an agreement on it, though we didn't have much money to decide on anyway.

i tried to be objective, and i knew that if i had a friend in the type of marriage i was in, i would have told her to leave.

i can't predict what's going to happen. there are days i feel like such a failure because i couldn't be the type of wife that just tolerates things. i prayed and cried for months before i finally allowed myself to say what i'd been avoiding for so long. now, he says he wants us all back together. i'm not sure things will be any different than before. there are moments that i see a flicker of what i saw from him at first, but then it's gone. i didn't used to think we rushed into this....but maybe we did. love is blind. i still love him. i still hope that we can be repaired.

i want to feel cherished and appreciated. i want to be recognized as a wife and mother. i want to feel taken care of. i want a husband who respects the sanctity of marriage and how life should change once you're married. i want to be adored, and i haven't for awhile. i know he loves me, but i wish he showed in different ways. part of me is terrified that he is loving me the only way he knows how and ever will. i have to decide if it's enough.

so there you have it....my fairy tale ending that really isn't. i'd like to think it's not the end.

pick me! pick me!!

some people believe that you grow out of caring what people think. either they're wrong, or i'm not grown up. both could be right ;)

today i ran into a person from my past who is in the majority of all my high school memories. back then, i idolized her. she had the adolescent "it" factor, from the way she looked to her astonishing social circle. popular and attractive, she was "that girl" that everyone immediately adored. and i was lucky enough to be her friend! she shaped my fashion sense and threw parties everyone wanted to be at. she's the reason i fell in love with designer purses and perfume.

our friendship was a little lopsided, but i never minded. she was four years older than me, but she never treated me like a baby. however, i couldn't relate to the life experiences she had because i hadn't reached them yet. she married young, right out of high school, and moved away. we lost touch as she became absorbed in her new life.

looking back, it's embarassing how much i wanted her approval.

today was the first time in years that i had seen her, and she's still "that girl". she's still super-likeable, with a handsome, hardworking husband and good-natured, respectful children. i wasn't jealous, but suddenly i felt like i was back in high school, wanting to feel her acceptance.

i guess there will always be people in our lives who make us revert....

tornado of emotion

how do natural disasters make you feel?

last night, joplin missouri was hit by a horrible tornado, killing almost one hundred people. houses, businesses, and even the local hospital were damaged and destroyed. cars sit mangled on the side of the road, looking as though they were chewed up by some bloodthirsty beast.

i feel so many things when something like this happens. my heart aches for those victims, now without homes. possessions are gone. pets are gone. loved ones could be missing or part of the fatality list. there is nowhere to go for help, because the phone and power lines are down. others that could help you are in need of help themselves. i can't imagine the helplessness that they must feel.

i bet they never thought it would happen to them. that's a terrifying thought, because in the back of most people's minds (mine included), you don't truly believe it could. for the next few days, people all over the country will be on guard for approaching storms, talking about exit strategies with their families, perhaps upgrading their insurance. in a few weeks, this storm won't have this same affect.

these disasters remind me of how fragile life is, and how little material stuff matters. last night as i lay in bed, knowing my son was sleeping on the other end of the house, i wondered exactly how long it would take to get to him if i had to. five seconds was too long, in my opinion.

it doesn't match the intensity of the victim's emotions, but this tragedy makes me feel helpless as well. short of building a bomb shelter underground, you can't fix a tornado, and even that isn't foolproof. a tornado, to quote "twister", literally is like the "finger of god"-and it's one of his creations that proves we are nothing.

you don't get do-overs, but if i did.....

i should have posted this when you couldn't turn your head without hearing about the royal wedding. better late than never, right? confession: i truly only cared what her dress looked like. i don't need to watch her take four minutes to walk down the aisle, or listen to the haunting soprano of a children's choir.

it did make me wonder what i'd do differently. my big day is not even two years behind me, and there's already a list of changes i'd make.

a little background story on my wedding process....engaged in february, pregnant in june. date changed from january 2010 to october 2009. in hindsight, that was an excellent choice, considering i was bedrested for the last two months and definitely wouldn't have made it down the aisle.

being pregnant changed me into a very strange, mellow, almost indifferent sort of bride. i always predicted myself to be a bit of a bridal nazi when that day rolled around, but that was the furthest from the truth. my bridesmaids got to choose their own black dresses! thank goodness for the creative people i surround myself with, or it would have literally been thrown together. there were all sorts of loose ends, and i simply didn't care. i just floated through the whole process. i can't believe it turned out as well as it did.

here's what i definitely would change:

MY FLOWERS: they were done by one of the best in our small town, and he does great work. i had no reason to expect different for my occasion. i told him what i wanted, and he told me that wasn't what i wanted. being indifferent, i just let him have his way. what i ended up with were nice flowers, but not the fabulous blingy ones that i wanted. they did have black feathers in them, so that was one thing i should be glad for. i had to ask for those specifically.

MY MUSIC: we had a typical cheesy dj, but he wasn't so bad. however, we picked music that was good to drive to, clean house to, have a barbeque to. i wish we would have chosen better music to dance to. thankfully, the little kids didn't care what was playing, they were out there on that floor, breaking it down. kids will cut a rug to anything!

DIFFERENT CEREMONY: ours lasted twelve minutes. it might have been the shortest ceremony in history. that's another thing we can pin on my indifference. i didn't want to stand up there and be gawked at, so we didn't have any songs in the middle. i didn't want a unity candle. all that was really left was a reading by a dear friend and the actual vows. i don't remember anything that was said during our snippet of a ceremony....i just couldn't wait to sit back down! i think i'd keep the reading and change everything other thing about it.

MY RECEPTION HALL: it was extremely spacious and extremely expensive. i got back 300 "yes" RSVPs and only 100 people came. that was pretty frustrating, since we had to pay for all that food and they didn't let you take it with you. we could have had it in a smaller, cheaper facility.

honorable mention-WHAT I WORE: my dress was pretty. looking back, i might have chosen something a little funkier. it worked for a pregnant bride, though, since it had a corset back and accomodated my growing midsection. i can tell you that it was heavy and hot to wear and i could not wait to get out of it, and not for romantical reasons, either. try going to the bathroom with that contraption on-it required assistance from my maid of honor. i made her earn her title the hard way :)

i wouldn't have changed my bridesmaids or their dresses, my pew bows, my centerpieces, or my amazing cake. i loved that i had a candy bar and terrific food. the whole evening was a smiley blur. i think i was more excited to get to hawaii than anything else.

and if i had to do it all again....honestly....i'd just elope. yes, really.