Tuesday, February 03, 2015

what it looks like

This isn't what it was supposed to look like.

Wasn't I supposed to have it all figured out by now?

I'm blogging from my grandmother's house, where I live with my 5 year old. 25-year-old me would be horrified, because that's not how it's supposed to look. Life got messy, and this is what it looks like now.

25 - year-old me had such high hopes for current me. I have let her down. In her idealistic eyes, my current situation is a deplorable failure. And because there was a bit of old me rattling around inside with those expectations, I even let "this isn't what it's supposed to look like" disease get the better of me.

In came depression, because of the mess that brought me here. Not just one messy thing, but a snowball effect of undesirables that kept pushing me down.

And anxiety, because I have no idea what the future looks like. Since my rose-colored glasses never saw this coming, I hadn't planned for this. Where do I go from here?

Crisis of faith. Crisis of self.

Anger. Lots and lots of that. I was entitled to it, mind you. But I let it fester and grow into this loathing inner monster that didn't want anyone to succeed or have happiness, because that only reminded me of the mess. Outwardly, lots of people could tell I was teetering. Only a very few knew how bad it had gotten. My heart and my brain looked like the aftermath of a natural disaster....piles of broken things, things I loved laying in pieces, fires blazing.

For awhile, I turned into a person I didn't recognize. It took my very darkest moment where I entertained some things that had no business being an option, ever. Why did it even matter what I did from now on, if my mostly good intentions still got me here? This wasn't what it was supposed to look like, after all.

I was forced to look at where and who I was. I hated it. Some days it's still a fight not to hate parts of it. I had to recognize the good in it, the uncomfortable humbling that comes with being in the place in life that I find myself.

I didn't get answers to the questions.
It didn't suddenly make everything okay.
It didn't change my circumstances.
it changed me.

Though this isn't what it was supposed to be like, I'm supposed to be here right now. That doesn't require my approval. I can choose to get mad about it (which still won't change anything), or I can accomplish some things and choose to be grateful. I choose to find my happiness in what I once thought was an undesirable life.

"That's not what it's supposed to look like" disease is ruthless and contagious. It took awhile to shake it. It made me blind to see how much love is around me. I have people in my life that I know were handpicked for me, a little boy who is my world, and I have a career I love. I have new perspective, and new goals. Happiness doesn't require me to acquire much more than these things.

That's what it looks like. And it's supposed to.


Blogger lynn frantz said...

Love love love

5:24 PM  
Blogger Christy Trible said...

What a raw emotional journey you have been on...I am so glad to see that you are coming out the other side a stronger person! I love that you can see the good in life, even a life that isn't what it's supposed to be :)

5:37 PM  
Blogger chantell said...

Good read, and glad you're back!

8:29 PM  
Blogger Danni Haus said...


6:31 AM  

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